30 August 1971

42 years ago today my older brother Michael was born.

He was 8 years older than me and a mischievous little thing. My sister, who is 2 years older than him, and considered the most good-mannered of us three kids, did the typical thing an older sibling does.  She blamed him when she'd done something wrong aaaand she was so good at this, that our parents' believed her.  But, like any younger sibling, he looked up to my sister and when she couldn't zip up her skin-tight jeans on her own, he was always there with the pliers, ready to lend a helping hand.

My brother and sister were so much older than me that I don't have a million memories of our childhood together.  My sister was kind of like a cooler, 2nd mom who taught me how to play 'Go Fish' and introduce me to the Cure and Duran Duran, while my brother was....let's say.....not so much like a 2nd mom.  He was more like a typical older brother, looking to have some control over his life, and so while I don't have many memories of us playing and laughing joyfully together, high-fiving and building igloo's, I do have numerous memories of him sitting on top of me and tickling me (which is just the worst feeling of powerlessness, amiright?), or spinning our poor poor puppy, Lucky, by the tail.  I was only 6, but the look of fear in poor (un)Lucky's eyes will eternally haunt me. Once Michael dared me to steal a $.05 candy from the grocery store one day.  I wasn't much for breaking rules, but I did Looooove candy, so I did it. And then he made me give it to him. :/  That was probably the first lesson of many in "what happens when you work for someone else".

Anyhow - these are the memories I have.  When he was in high school, I was in elementary school and I spent most of my afternoons and weekends at gymnastics.  I'm not sure what he was doing.  He kept to himself a lot.  He enjoyed painting car models.  He had 3 cars during his high school career and I think that he really enjoyed the sense of freedom that having access to a car brings.

My parents and I moved to Texas and my brother was 18, so he chose to stay behind. I'm not sure what he spent his free time doing, but he worked in an electronics shop and became really really great at installing equipment and speaking the tech-speak.

A couple years after that, My parents and I moved to Eugene, Oregon and my brother moved from Vancouver, Washington, down to Eugene, as well.  I was always a little bit scared of him, because I never knew what kind of mood he was going to be in, but at this point in our lives I was 17 and he was 25 and it seemed like there was the balance and kindness and respect in our relationship that I'd always dreamed of.

His sweet girlfriend got pregnant and they got married in a hurry and then my brother's little red-headed daughter was born.  What a gift, a joy, a blessing, a miracle this was for our family.  I had alwaaaaaays wanted a younger sibling, feeling extremely lonely in my childhood, but this was a million times better. I was on the verge of graduating high school when I met my niece and in all my years I had never loved anything more. Loving her was so easy.

Years went by, things were really good between my brother and I.  We started spending more time together (willingly!) and I loved babysitting my little niece.  My brother kept busy with work and seemed to enjoy,  and be very good at, what he did.

One christmas, he bought me a 6-disc cd player for my '95 Ford Explorer (music + teenager = Glory!) and he and my Dad spent about 6 hours trying to install it.  It's a little thing, but I was touched that my brother wanted to make it work for me. and it did. and it brought me so. much. joy.

A few years later I remember my boyfriend at the time and I driving up to Portland to see my brother, his wife, my niece and...my New little niece.  Now there were 2 sweet little freckled redheads.  We had a bbq and had beers and chatted and it felt so good to be friends with my brother, Michael.

Our mother died from a battle with cancer in 2003 and that's when things started to change for my brother. I moved to Canada and he stayed in the Pacific Northwest.  I started getting strange phone calls from him.  I heard weird stories from my sister and Dad about things my brother had told them, and he seemed to be losing balance.

In 2006, he took his own life.  The death of my mother and then my brother are the 2 worst things that have ever happened to me.  Things I would never wish anyone to have to feel.

I believe with all my heart that my brother did the very best he could with the circumstances he was given.  He was a young, fragile child and then a young, fragile man.

I'm celebrating his birthday today with flowers and a nice home-cooked meal, and probably a beer or two, to honor the many ways in which he is still here.  Through the family that loves him and always will.  Happy birthday, Michael!!  Say hi to everyone for me.  xo forever.