Well, it's official. I love being pregnant. I love feeling our little cricket move and kick under my skin. It kind of feels like when you get a twitching muscle, only a million times less annoying. I love watching my belly grow every week so much so that I look forward to stepping on the scale first thing in the morning (talk to me about this in 4 months, I may have changed my tune). I love tossing around baby name ideas with Erik. I love knowing that every week we're another week closer to meeting our baby. Reading books and message boards, researching baby gear and watching pregnancy vlogs on youtube are a favourite pastime. And I feel so connected to this seemingly gentle, calm being inside of me. It seems to me, that our baby is pretty zen about this whole process. So is my husband. So I'm convinced that I should follow their lead. I've had a very easy pregnancy, physically, for the most part and like I said, I am in love with being pregnant, but I admit I am also so very afraid of it at the same time.
I don't want to sound like one of those people who just talks about how amazing and perfect everything is, because obviously, as we all know, it just isn't realistic or true. I've spent a lot of this pregnancy feeling extremely anxious. It's like being on an adventure vacation on another planet where everything is strange and beautiful, but all-consuming and constantly changing and just when you get used to one thing and start having fun, a talking yeti hops on your back and asks you to do push-ups. I swear, that's exactly what it feels like. I feel extremely lucky that my anxiety is only due to my thoughts of something going wrong, instead of something actually going wrong, but it is still hard sometimes. Especially when most of my mental anxieties are triggered by very strange sensations in my ever-changing body that I have never felt before. I'll say this: When your baby is hanging out down so low in your pelvis and is kicking your cervix and other unmentionable areas over and over again and you kind of wonder if it's because it is trying to get a foot out into the world early and you're already getting weird braxton hicks contractions, you may take a trip to labor and delivery just to make sure everything is normal and fine and it is indeed perfectly normal and fine. Or when you don't really feel much movement at all for two days, you will put yourself into weird yoga positions that usually cause your baby to squirm, because you just need a little feedback from time to time from the doctor and from the baby. In my heart, I know everything is exactly the way it is meant to be and that our baby chose Erik and I specifically to be its parents and that we are going to meet this little being and become a family so very soon and that I can trust trust trust. So when my anxiety and panic and fear and then shame for feeling those things arise, I take some deep breaths and remind myself to trust this amazing process that I am lucky to be a part of.
Aside from anxiety, and this may be a bit too much info, bloating has been my worst symptom. It feels like there is a balloon expanding in my stomach, pushing my skin to its limits, which, un-technically, is exactly what is happening, and it is uncomfortable, to say the least. I also have a hit-by-a-truck level of fatigue and hips that feel like they are trying to unscrew themselves from my own body. It seems to go that there are a couple of really good days, where I barely feel pregnant (except for the fact that I usually need help getting up from a seated position) to days when I can't do much except sit and relax (ok..and eat).
Over the last couple of months I've realized that this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I tend to be the kind of person who really doesn't understand an experience until I am 100% experiencing it for myself. You can tell me a thousand times that I'll never sleep once the baby comes, that it's the hardest and most rewarding thing I'll ever do and I'll say "oh, I know!" and intellectually, I do understand, but viscerally, I won't and that is what life is to me. Something to experience viscerally. I am, like so many of us are, a super-feeler. I've got to feel it to believe it. So, that being said, I'm so excited that I'm having this in-my-body adventure. I feel so connected to mothers and love hearing everyone's experiences of pregnancy and birth, because I get how fascinating it is now. And I also totally get that if you're reading this, and you haven't experienced it, that this may be the most boring blog post you've ever read in your life, and I'm ok with that, because I was that person too. I have to admit, I spent the majority of my life dreading getting pregnant. I'm not kidding. The thought alone of getting engaged or married or having a baby was enough to throw me into a full blown panic attack so intense it necessitated medication. Until I met Erik. But as it turns out, the saying proves true in this regard: that the thing you fear the most is probably the very thing you should do.
I've learned so much about myself that I didn't know. I've learned how easy it is to take loving care of myself by eating nutritiously, doing yoga, meditating, studying, not letting anxiety pummel me like a tidal wave and getting enough sleep. I've learned that I'm stronger than I ever thought and that it's so healthy to let myself feel overwhelmed with the love and gratitude that I feel for Erik, my baby, my family and friends. The worrier in me then automatically thinks that I might never, ever be this happy ever again.
I still have 12 weeks (and 2 days) to go for this pregnancy (if I'm lucky) and I'm already mourning not being pregnant anymore. Even if we have another child one day, it won't be the new, thrilling, terrifying learning experience that it is right now. A friend of mine who is due like 4 days ago, told me that she was surprised by how much grief she has over the pregnancy ending and that it's strange to think that this has just been a temporary state. I get it get it get it. She couldn't have said it better. When I first got pregnant, I wasn't sure how I was going to get through it, and now I'm not sure I ever want it to end. But I am also looking at this from the side of not seeing that little baby's face or holding baby in my arms. I am also not the size of a hot air balloon yet, and guess that by the time I am I will be good with letting this pregnancy come to an end.
Aside from the all that, (are you still here?) we've been busy. Erik and I have been recording an album at Mountain City and it is going super well! Every time we listen back to this one particular song, our baby starts doing the sprinkler inside my belly. It's pretty much the coolest feeling in the world. I love that someday I'll be able to play the album for the baby and say when we were making this you were in my belly, which basically means the baby was totally a performer on this record and that we should give the baby a credit and socan royalties.
We've also been meeting with the doula, painting the nursery and have been slowly accumulating stuff for the baby (hi, breast pump). I think it's time I start transitioning from reading books about pregnancy and labor to reading books about what to do once the baby actually gets here. (hi, I'm clueless!) We also found out if we're having a boy or girl, but a certain someone in our family, who I'm guessing will probably read this blog, wants to be surprised, so, you're all just going to have to wait to find out. Please feel free to leave your guesses in the comments though!
phew. I think that's about all for now. I really really wish I could write here everyday, instead of every 8 weeks, but it is what it is. Maybe once the baby comes, I'll have more time to blog.......... hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah (says everyone).
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