37 Weeks Pregnant // Tales from the Final Trimester

Here I am. I'm so excited that I have made it this far!  I'm 37 weeks (whaaat??!?) and a few days pregnant, my baby is as big as a watermelon (mmmm), and is weighing in at about 6+ lbs.  In approximately 3 weeks I'll be a mother.  bonkers.

Honestly, I have prayed to the universe, the moons, the Gods and Goddesses every single day of this pregnancy that our baby stays in until it is full grown and here we are! So close to reaching this goal and feeling like it is a huge accomplishment.

The third trimester has been pretty amazing with a sprinkle of 'wtf is happening?!' thrown in. It's been equally, but for different reasons, as scary as the other two trimesters but it's been by far my favourite trimester.  I think because I know how close we are to meeting our little cricket. I remember being 8 weeks pregnant at my yoga class and the teacher would ask each of us how far we were along and I was sooo envious of the women with their big bellies, calmly saying "36 weeks", and now It's me! Strangers have started to ask me when this baby is coming, so I'm guessing I look pretty close to cooked.

I've had an incredibly gentle pregnancy even though it has surprised me in a few ways.   I thought for sure that I would be one of those pregnant people who was hitting the gym everyday, taking spinning classes and doing weight training, but my body very clearly told me it did not want that during this pregnancy.  My body asked me for walks and prenatal yoga and occasionally going and floating in a pool.  That's it.   I also didn't think I would have very many pregnancy symptoms, but I was wrong.   This 3rd trimester has definitely been the toughest on my body.  It's tiring growing a being and I need daily naps to function. Breathing is often difficult when there is a mini-human pressing on your lungs/stomach/diaphram.  I have never been so uncomfortable in my own body, can't reach my toes, and drop at least 50 objects a day because the hormone relaxin that is produced when you're pregnant loosens all your joints and has rendered me with the inability to firmly hold whatever is in my hand (which, in turn, means I have to bend over to pick something up at least 50 times a day and this part, really really sucks).  I also feel like an 8,000 pound log when I try to roll over in bed. I woke up last night screaming "OW OW OW!" because I was woken up by the most intense leg cramp of my life, and scaring poor Erik to bits.  None of this stuff matters though when I feel our little cricket's tiny hiccups, or feel a little knee poking out of one side of my belly and a bum poking out the other.

I had a minor freak out around the 33 week mark because the dr. told me cricket was breech.  Thoughts of C-sections filled my brain and overwhelmed me.  I desperately want to experience birth naturally and (yes, I'm crazy) even drug-free, if possible.    I fully realize that 20 minutes after contractions start I'll probably be begging for an epidural, but still, my doula has instructions to not give in to my demands. I've been reading about hypnobirthing and find it super fascinating.  It's basically self-hypnosis through breathing and visualization during labor and delivery.  Apparently I can enjoy a pain-free birth using this technique.  Erik's not convinced... but I'll let you know how it goes.

Anyway, after a week (or a day.. I don't know, I can't see in there!) baby went back head down and has stayed that way ever since, Thank the cephalic Gods!

There was one thing though, this one darn thing, that has caused me some real worry and that was all the braxton hicks contractions I was having throughout the 3rd trimester.

In a 'normal' pregnancy, most first time mothers never even feel braxton hicks contractions and if you do, they say anything more than 5 an hour or 10 a day before the 37th week warrants a trip to the labor and delivery ward.  Well, for me, starting around week 25, I was getting up to 30 and 40 contractions a day.  I was obsessively writing them down, sweating and worrying through every single one of them, and counting down the days till my next appointment to show my lists to my Dr.  She was concerned enough around 26 weeks to check my cervix, which, thankfully was long and closed.  This did calm me somewhat, but I spent a lot of energy oscillating between trying to just let go of feeling so out of control and being obsessed with trying to figure out why my body was behaving this way.

I was so worried, I thought for sure my baby was going to be born pre-term, but as I moved closer into the safe zone (34 weeks felt like a major accomplishment) the braxton hicks began bothering me less and less and when I stopped timing them so militantly, they started to diminish a bit.  But on the night of the supermoon (August 9) around 9pm and out of nowhere, I started getting contractions every 5 minutes to the second that lasted for 4 hours.  They weren't painful per se, just so tight, uncomfortable and frequent.  I pounded cup after cup of water, took a long bath and blow dried my hair, because I hadn't washed it in several days and if this baby was coming tonight I wanted to feel clean for at least a little while.  I also packed my hospital bag, which had been on my to do list for weeks.  While I packed my bag It hit me.  This baby is going to come out at some point and SOON.  I didn't feel ready.  When you first find out you are pregnant, it feels like 10 months is an eternity, but now I realize our minds and bodies really need that entire amount of time to prepare.  Around 1 am, the contractions had slowed to about every 7 - 10 minutes and  I felt proud of myself when instead of panicking I decided to go to bed instead.

The next morning we went and got our car seat installed.

We had an appointment yesterday and my Dr. seemed a little surprised that I am 1.5cm dilated and 80% effaced.  She said she thinks she'll probably see me at our appointment next tuesday, or I could essentially go into labor tomorrow.  I found this to be incredibly exciting and scary.  I think Erik had a moment of realization yesterday too.  We did a half day of recording yesterday and I was cramping and contracting and the baby was dancing all day to the music.  We got home around 7, made fish tacos and I went to bed. I am now starting to wonder daily... Is today the day I can finish everything on my to do list....just in case.......

but then I add things to my list.

All in all, I'm ready but not ready.  scared but not scared. I want the cricket to come whenever the cricket wants to come.

I've so loved the experience of being pregnant and I'm hesitant to let it go.  I think I'm going to miss it.  Luckily, I don't have a choice in the matter, life continues on and I am extremely excited to experience labor, the birthing of our baby and to become a family of 3 to a child that we really really want and will get to love every day and watch grow.  It makes every single moment of uncertainty and worry in this process completely worth it.   Thanks for reading if you made it this far and letting me share my journey with you.  

28 weeks pregnant // joys + anxieties

Well, it's official. I love being pregnant. I love feeling our little cricket move and kick under my skin. It kind of feels like when you get a twitching muscle, only a million times less annoying. I love watching my belly grow every week so much so that I look forward to stepping on the scale first thing in the morning (talk to me about this in 4 months, I may have changed my tune). I love tossing around baby name ideas with Erik. I love knowing that every week we're another week closer to meeting our baby.  Reading books and message boards, researching baby gear and watching pregnancy vlogs on youtube are a favourite pastime. And I feel so connected to this seemingly gentle, calm being inside of me. It seems to me, that our baby is pretty zen about this whole process. So is my husband. So I'm convinced that I should follow their lead.  I've had a very easy pregnancy, physically, for the most part and like I said, I am in love with being pregnant, but I admit I am also so very afraid of it at the same time.

I don't want to sound like one of those people who just talks about how amazing and perfect everything is, because obviously, as we all know, it just isn't realistic or true.  I've spent a lot of this pregnancy feeling extremely anxious.  It's like being on an adventure vacation on another planet where everything is strange and beautiful, but all-consuming and constantly changing and just when you get used to one thing and start having fun,  a talking yeti hops on your back and asks you to do push-ups.  I swear, that's exactly what it feels like.  I feel extremely lucky that my anxiety is only due to my thoughts of something going wrong, instead of something actually going wrong, but it is still hard sometimes.  Especially when most of my mental anxieties are  triggered by very strange sensations in my ever-changing body that I have never felt before.  I'll say this: When your baby is hanging out down so low in your pelvis and is kicking your cervix and other unmentionable areas over and over again and you kind of wonder if it's because it is trying to get a foot out into the world early and you're already getting weird braxton hicks contractions,  you may take a trip to labor and delivery just to make sure everything is normal and fine and it is indeed perfectly normal and fine.   Or when you don't really feel much movement at all for two days, you will put yourself into weird yoga positions that usually cause your baby to squirm, because you just need a little feedback from time to time from the doctor and from the baby.  In my heart, I know everything is exactly the way it is meant to be and that our baby chose Erik and I specifically to be its parents and that we are going to meet this little being and become a family so very soon and that I can trust trust trust.  So when my anxiety and panic and fear and then shame for feeling those things arise,  I take some deep breaths and remind myself to trust this amazing process that I am lucky to be a part of.

Aside from anxiety, and this may be a bit too much info, bloating has been my worst symptom.  It feels like there is a balloon expanding in my stomach, pushing my skin to its limits, which, un-technically, is exactly what is happening, and it is uncomfortable, to say the least.  I also have a hit-by-a-truck level of fatigue and hips that feel like they are trying to unscrew themselves from my own body.  It seems to go that there are a couple of really good days, where I barely feel pregnant (except for the fact that I usually need help getting up from a seated position) to days when I can't do much except sit and relax (ok..and eat).

Over the last couple of months I've realized that this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience.  I tend to be the kind of person who really doesn't understand an experience until I am 100% experiencing it for myself.  You can tell me a thousand times that I'll never sleep once the baby comes, that it's the hardest and most rewarding thing I'll ever do and I'll say "oh, I know!" and intellectually, I do understand, but viscerally, I won't and that is what life is to me.  Something to experience viscerally.  I am, like so many of us are, a super-feeler. I've got to feel it to believe it.   So, that being said, I'm so excited that I'm having this in-my-body adventure. I feel so connected to mothers and love hearing everyone's experiences of pregnancy and birth, because I get how fascinating it is now.  And I also totally get that if you're reading this, and you haven't experienced it, that this may be the most boring blog post you've ever read in your life, and I'm ok with that, because I was that person too.   I have to admit, I spent the majority of my life dreading getting pregnant. I'm not kidding. The thought alone of getting engaged or married or having a baby was enough to throw me into a full blown panic attack so intense it necessitated medication.  Until I met Erik. But as it turns out, the saying proves true in this regard: that the thing you fear the most is probably the very thing you should do.

I've learned so much about myself that I didn't know. I've learned how easy it is to take loving care of myself by eating nutritiously,  doing yoga, meditating, studying, not letting anxiety pummel me like a tidal wave and getting enough sleep.  I've learned that I'm stronger than I ever thought and that it's so healthy to let myself feel overwhelmed with the love and gratitude that I feel for Erik, my baby, my family and friends.   The worrier in me then automatically thinks that I might never, ever be this happy ever again.

I still have 12 weeks (and 2 days) to go for this pregnancy (if I'm lucky) and I'm already mourning not being pregnant anymore.  Even if we have another child one day, it won't be the new, thrilling, terrifying learning experience that it is right now. A friend of mine who is due like 4 days ago, told me that she was surprised by how much grief she has over the pregnancy ending and that it's strange to think that this has just been a temporary state.  I get it get it get it.  She couldn't have said it better. When I first got pregnant, I wasn't sure how I was going to get through it, and now I'm not sure I ever want it to end.  But I am also looking at this from the side of not seeing that little baby's face or holding baby in my arms. I am also not the size of a hot air balloon yet, and guess that by the time I am I will be good with letting this pregnancy come to an end.

Aside from the all that, (are you still here?) we've been busy. Erik and I have been recording an album at Mountain City and it is going super well! Every time we listen back to this one particular song, our baby starts doing the sprinkler inside my belly. It's pretty much the coolest feeling in the world.  I love that someday I'll be able to play the album for the baby and say when we were making this you were in my belly, which basically means the baby was totally a performer on this record and that we should give the baby a credit and socan royalties.

We've also been meeting with the doula, painting the nursery and have been slowly accumulating stuff for the baby (hi, breast pump).  I think it's time I start transitioning from reading books about pregnancy and labor to reading books about what to do once the baby actually gets here. (hi, I'm clueless!)  We also found out if we're having a boy or girl, but a certain someone in our family, who I'm guessing will probably read this blog, wants to be surprised, so, you're all just going to have to wait to find out.  Please feel free to leave your guesses in the comments though!

phew. I think that's about all for now.  I really really wish I could write here everyday, instead of every 8 weeks, but it is what it is.  Maybe once the baby comes, I'll have more time to blog.......... hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah (says everyone).

bye for now.

The First 20 Weeks of Pregnancy // Laying It All Out There

It feels so surprising to say this but I'm already over halfway through my pregnancy! (Officially 21 weeks and 1 day but who's counting?). It's going by so slow and so fast all at the same time.  I remember being 8 weeks pregnant, before anyone but Erik and I knew about the cricket in my belly and thinking with crinkled brow...thirrrty twooo more weeks to go… how do women do this?

I won't lie, those first couple months were hard for me.   There were millions of thoughts going through my mind about what this pregnancy meant for us and I felt overwhelmed with worry.  I worried about everything.  I worried about how wild and imperfect and impulsive and flawed I am.  How can I have a baby?! I worried if our baby would be healthy and if it was something I could cause or prevent with the things I do or eat?  I worried about losing my identity and my freedom. I worried about the world we live in.  I worried about it not just being Erik and I anymore. I worried about each symptom I felt.  I spent hours and hours devouring information on pregnancy.  I think with the amount of time I spent studying pregnancy in the last 20 weeks I could have a PhD by now.

The thing is, all this worrying wasn't really a new thing for me.  It's just that suddenly every other worry I had in my life lost importance and all my energy funnelled into the fact that I had this Very Important Baby to worry about.  Every day that passed my attachment to this unknowable being inside me grew stronger. But the fact that growing this baby wasn't something I could make happen with to-do lists and step by step instructions drove me crazy.

I tried to tell myself that I shouldn't change my entire life just because I was pregnant.  I tried to eat well (which I already did before getting pregnant), drank lots of water, took prenatal vitamins,  saw my naturopath and osteopath and tried to keep up my workout schedule.  It was about 8 weeks into the pregnancy that I realized I was going to have to slow down a bit.   After doing a particularly challenging workout at the gym I had a bit of bleeding and Erik and I ended up in the emergency room for 9 hours.   It was a horrible wait only made worse by the fact that there was an 8 month pregnant lady sitting with her friend in the waiting room.  I enviously stared at her belly wondering what was going on inside of me.  They couldn't really tell us much after 2 ultrasounds by 2 different technicians except that they "thought they could see a heartbeat" and that there was "no way to stop a miscarriage."   It wasn't until 5 days later at a private clinic that I got another ultrasound that showed our little amphibian doing super well with a heart rate of 174 bpm.  I will never forget the look on Erik's face while he was looking at our baby on the ultrasound screen.  It was pure joy and awe and it completely melted me and made me fall a million times more in love with him than I already was.  Those 5 days of not knowing if our baby was ok made me realize how much this baby meant to me already even after only knowing of its existence for 4 weeks. I decided that I wasn't going to worry anymore.  I told myself that whatever was meant to be would be and that I trusted the Universe and the wisdom of this baby and my body and at this point is when I truly found myself falling in love with the mystery of being pregnant.

I read something last night by an analyst and professor at Harvard Medical, Grete Lehner Bibring, who describes pregnancy as a "normal crisis," and a "point of no return between one phase to the next," where a new self must be constructed.  This describes so succinctly what I had not been able to find the words for.  Everyone kept saying "Pregnancy is normal, this is what you were built for!" and I would reply "But it is not normal to me, I've never done this."

It took me a while to understand and accept that growing a human is a super mysterious process with not a lot of knowns.  I always thought pregnancy would be this thing where you just felt kind of uncomfortable and tired and hungry. I thought that since billions of women before me had gone through pregnancy and childbirth that it wasn't that unique of an experience, so it's surprising to me how I feel that this is hands down, absolutely the most incredible experience of my life.

I had a lot more planned for this post. I wanted to talk about all of the joyful and enchanting parts of being pregnant too, but I will save that for a post later on in the week.  I will say that this little baby has taught me so much about myself.  I've never been more happy or at peace than I am right now.  I am wildly grateful every day for this experience. I think this little bean sprout inside of me is incredibly wise and that I will be learning so many beautiful lessons in the years to come.

In Six Full Moons From Now (Big News!)

I'm so excited to announce that Erik and I are expecting our first baby!  I'm currently 15 weeks along, and as someone who wasn't sure if she was even going to be able to get pregnant, it's been an emotional time.  There are so many words I could use to describe these first few months:  thrilling, joyous, terrifying, love-filled, insightful, heartwarming, did i mention terrifying?!  We are so in love with the little kumquat in my belly already, and getting more and more used to the idea that we are growing a human.   Wait.. WHAT?  We're growing a human?!?!

Until I met Erik, I never really saw myself settling down with someone.  I always had a hard time envisioning myself married, or having a family.  It was like having two puzzle pieces that were from two completely different puzzles.   I spent my 20's working, paying off debts, playing in bands, writing music, learning how to cook, drinking lots of wine and just generally having a really great time.  When Erik and I met we spent years focusing on our band and our work.   After 4 or 5 years of being super in love together, I started mentioning having kids.  It was always the same conversation.  I'd say "What do you think about having a baby?"  He would reply " I think It'd be fun!"   Now, while this wasn't quite the response I felt super comfortable with, I knew that it meant our visions of the future were similar and I was ok with having a family without doing the big wedding and marriage thing.

So of course, what happened next is that Erik proposed. We spent 10 months planning our wedding, and this left us very little time for anything else, so I put conception on the back burner till after the wedding.   I mean, we still made time for you-know-what but I didn't want to be 5 months pregnant at my wedding, I wanted to enjoy the open bar!

We were married in a charming and rustic 100 year old octagonal barn with our amazing friends and family, near Portland, Oregon in July of last year and spent the next few weeks visiting family on the west coast. We decided to buy Erik's grandmother's car from her and we drove it from Vancouver Island back to Montreal in 4 days.  We planned on taking our honeymoon in the winter, but this little road trip was the sweetest impromptu honeymoon I could have ever imagined.    I couldn't believe we did it! We were married and I still only used my xanax on an as needed basis, which really wasn't very often at all!

Fall and Winter came quickly and we spent a lot of time indoors.  Erik was starting a new business and I work from home and it was just sooo cold outside.  -10 degrees, -20 degrees, -30 gajillion degrees. I was also seeing a naturopath who recommended I test for heavy metals in my body (because of fillings I had gotten when I was a kid).  It turned out that I had 3 times the 'recommended' amount of lead in my system,  So I spent 2 and a half months doing a pretty intense detoxification.   The detox ended in early December and I was re-tested for heavy metals and everything was in the normal range, something I was very relieved about.   We spent Christmas out on Vancouver Island with Erik's family and physically my body was beginning to heal and recover from the intense few months of detox.

Shortly after New Year's day this year, I got the flu. I had never had the flu like this.   I was feverish and nauseous, couldn't eat, lost 10 lbs, was dizzy and actually wondered if my organs were starting to fail.  (All normal symptoms except that last one, but truth be told,  I'm a recovering hypochondriac).
I was maniacally googling symptoms trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  (hello, things you are never ever supposed to do),  and I googled 'hard stomach' because that particular hour my stomach was feeling hard.  When it lead me to an articled entitled '9 early pregnancy symptoms', I had a "things that makes you go hmmm" moment.   I was sooo sick with the flu, but I thought to myself: "I'll take a pregnancy test just to rule out that it isn't That."

Since we had sort of kind of been trying to get pregnant for a year-ish, (which basically means not trying, but not not trying), I happened to have a dollar store pregnancy test in my bathroom cupboard. I won't go into details but this dollar store pregnancy test was not so simple as pee on a stick.  I ended up blowing it and using it wrong and throwing it away.  I went to the pharmacy and got the most expensive pee on a stick test they had.  I got home, ripped it open, peed and then did some dishes, some laundry, made the bed.. and then remembered "Oh yeah, I have to go see that that test says that I'm not pregnant".  So when that 2nd pink line said I was, in actuality, a little bit pregnant….. my fear of my organs failing melted away and was replaced by a million thousand hundred other feelings.   I literally took 5 more pregnancy tests after that one, and they all continued to be positive.   Erik was a little surprised when he came home that afternoon and I told him that it looked like I needed to buy that book "What to Expect When You're Expecting", but without skipping a beat he was super huggy and letting me know that he thought this was 'going to be fun.'  The first couple of days of knowing were some of the most exciting,  nerve-wracking few days of my life.  Can I really handle the responsibility of growing this being?!  Can I handle all of the mystery of not being able to see inside of my stomach and hear the little kumquat say "hey, everything's good in here,  I'm digging the doughnut / kale combo, keep it up!"  But here's the big one: Am I going to be a good mother?  

I've spent years learning and practicing how to be unconditionally loving and accepting, how to be a deeply comforting listener, how to be gently and courageously honest.   I'm not quite sure I'm there yet, wherever "there" is, but I am so excited to find out who this little person is and to learn and practice even more ways of how to be a real human being.

Are you still with me? If you've made it this far, I'm impressed!

Well, that's it! That is the story of how I came to be pregnant and some of my thoughts about it.  It's one of the most interesting things that has happened to me in this lifetime and I am so excited that I get to experience it with someone that I love so very much.  Thanks for letting me share this with you guys.

where there is life there is love.

This is a day to celebrate love.  Let's expand our narrow definition of Love and open our hearts to the countless ways we love and are loved in this world.  From the way the cat comes and lays its sleepy head in your hand to the way your father's voice sounds on the telephone when you share good news.

Tonight my husband and I were invited to share some of our music at an incredible restaurant in Ormstown (about an hour drive from Montreal).  We'll be playing for what I can only assume will be people on dates and I am so excited to be a part of this experience.  To witness people connecting, young and old, with hearts soft and open.

and if you are feeling lonely in any way on this day, that's ok too, but know that I love you and that there are a bunch of other people who do too.  Oh, and loneliness can be filled with love as well.  When you start to love yourself you realize it's the best kind of love.

Hello February, worst month to exist ever!

I can't believe I haven't updated in 2 months! Not that anyone reads this, but that's not the point.  I hope to eventually get enough content on this blog to feel comfortable enough to share it with friends and family and one of my goals is to blog everyday, but life just keeps getting in the darn way all the time.

So what have I been up to lately?  Well, to be honest, a lot!, I don't know! This always seems to happen around this time of year in Montreal. It's so icy and below freezing outside that you end up just hibernating in your apartment with chicken strips and episodes of homeland. Or you find yourself under your blanket at 4 in the afternoon just because it's the only warm place that exists at that moment in time.  I work from home too, so it's not very motivating to get up and out there. I spend most of the day in tights and a hoodie and today my two Big goals were get the oil on the car changed and make an organic green juice. (both of which I'm proud to say have been accomplished.)

I have high plans to write more music, practice for an out of town show we are playing for Valentine's day, and decorate our apartment all cozy and modern-like.  I want to make lasagna from scratch and invite friends over to share it with… but maybe I must just accept that February is the official "I only leave the house 6 times in 30 days" month.  And that is ok.  honestly.

Winter Solstice + setting intentions

Some people think of the December solstice as the shortest day of the year, but I prefer to think of it as  the longest night of the year.  Is that as comforting a thought to you as it is to me?  It makes me want to light candles at dusk, build a fire in the fireplace and sit cross-legged with breath and gratitude.

It's a good night for meditation, reflection and intention setting.

Sometimes I have a hard time with intentions.  I worry that I'm not thinking them right, but my highest self knows that there is no wrong way to set an intention.

This evening I'm going to take some time to sit quietly for a calming and grounding meditation, and then send a few intentions into the long, dark night, and then let them go without expectation:

I intend to create a strong, healthy and energized body capable of creating life and expanding love.
I intend to create space in my body for a deeply healing and ever-evolving spiritual practice.
My intention is to enjoy being artistic, to grow and feel inspired to deepen any creative practice I am drawn to, and to find absolute joy in being onstage, in studio and onscreen as much as possible.
I intend to travel to new and enlightening places.
I intend to buy a house in a city I love and live abundantly, free from worry.
I intend to deepen my compassion and connection to myself and the people I am surrounded by.
I intend to cultivate more gratitude and live mindfully.

These intentions feel good to me and make my body smile.  It makes me excited for a new year of possibility.   Life isn't always easy but It's always full of opportunity to choose something new, isn't it?