Violet's Birth Story, Written by Erik Virtanen (Father)

Well, my experience of the night began exactly how it looks in the movies. After I got home from ball hockey, Tasha said it might be time to go to the hospital. I could tell it definitely was time. I’m not sure why. But it clicked in my brain that I needed to get this woman to the hospital ASAP. 

I ran around the house putting together the stuff on my list of things to do at hospital time (like what to put in my bag, things we needed to remember like phone chargers, etc). That list was my lifeline. If it wasn’t on the list, it did not exist. 

I started running things out to the car as fast as I could. Tasha could barely walk, so she slowly stepped there. And then I drove - it was the most stressful drive of my life. Tasha was having crazy pain and yelling, I was trying to speed through all the yellow lights. We put on some music - there was Nick Cave piano music - and it calmed things down slightly. 

I pulled into the hospital and told the security guy I needed to bring my wife upstairs. He probably saw the determination in my eyes because he was just like, “Yeah, yeah, man, leave your car, do it.” 

So we got Tasha to the birthing area and things sort of slowed down. The nurses were calm and great, so I went and parked the car and got the bags while they got Tasha settled. Luckily I found an awesome parking spot a few blocks away. I ran back and Tasha was with our nurse in the room.

I won’t go into details about the night, but it was really great. One of my favourite things about the entire pregnancy/birth experience was spending this night with Tasha. The nice blonde nurse showed me how to massage her back properly, and I did that when she had a contraction. Unless the nurse was there, then she was take over to give my hands a break. But the whole night was basically just me and Tasha together, helping her get through it together. We hired a doula, but we didn’t call her until the last moments because we were enjoying it just as the two of us. Tasha’s strength really impressed me. She was like a superwoman. 

I also felt like I became the blood-master that night. I cleaned up blood and random liquids like a pro. 

There was also an intern nurse who came in sometimes throughout the night, and asked us questions on her practice sheet to train how to interact with patients. She has a long way to go before anyone should be trusted with her. She seemed extremely uncomfortable with all the pregnancy stuff. At one point her main job was to close the blinds on the window. She struggled with that. I offered the advice that she needed to pull the string at an angle and then the blinds would fall, but she didn’t listen and it was entertaining to watch. When she finally got the blinds down, I could see that she felt as though she had achieved something good.

Eventually, the doctor broke the rest of Tasha’s water to help move things along and her labour pains got much more severe after that. There was one point where Tasha was sitting on the side of the bed in a trance like state, asking God to help her. 

It was around then that we called the doula. Having her coming was an added comfort as Tasha’s pain intensified. The sun started coming up and more nurses soon came in. It kind of became this whole ‘sisterly’ experience among Tasha, the doula, and all the female nurses and female doctor. Like they all knew what they were doing and I just kind of watched and stood by Tasha, holding her hand and such. 

She started pushing and soon I saw a tuft of hair sticking out of her vagina. It was really bizarre to see. The tuft stayed there poking out for a long time as she pushed, and then soon out came the top of the head. It was weirdly shaped like the pointy top of a triangle. It just stayed there poking out too for a while - this triangular head point with a tuft of hair on it. After a little while, Tasha pushed the whole baby out - the rest of her came out basically in one quick moment. She had greyish skin. Now the memories become blurred. I cut the cord after waiting a minute or so and then I stood with Tasha as we looked at our new human in her arms. It was strange because the baby didn’t really feel like it was what was in her stomach. She didn’t look like how we imagined and there was something a little surreal to it all. 

We were put in a hospital room and it felt like we were instantly parents and had to start caring for this human right now! We were given tons of information on caring for a newborn, some conflicting, by various nurses. I tried to take a lot of pictures. It kind of became my thing for the first few hours. I was picture man. 

I more focused on tasks and doing things for Tasha, rather than say gazing lovingly into the baby’s eyes for hours on end. I did get a few minutes here and there to stare at her and think how crazy this all was and how cute she was. Though she still felt a bit “other” to me. Like I didn’t really know her yet. But I had a duty to care for her. 

So much happened over those days in the hospital, a whirlwind, it’s hard to write it all. I remember it took us a few hours to definitely say the baby’s name was Violet. Did she look a Violet or not? We felt yes. We had Violet in this plastic crib thing that was angled up. I had to wheel her into the nursery at one point. I saw a few other newborn babies there. They looked weird - like one baby had the face of an East Indian man, and there were twins who looked slightly creepy - but Violet looked really cute. 

Tasha and I were quite nervous, we didn’t know what we had gotten ourselves into. Tasha started the whole breastfeeding process, which was stressful. I went out and got us meals, mostly from Tim Hortons and Subway, and texted pictures to family. We changed to a different room after a while. It was a double room but there was no one else in it. The nights were really weird for “sleeping” (note the quotes). Tasha didn’t sleep for a few days I think. It was now us and Violet. Mostly at first it was really Tasha and Violet, and Erik was there to do random things like turn lights off or get water or spoon food into Tasha’s mouth. We were moved to a nice private room after that. Tasha was beginning to get the hang of breastfeeding and we were soon deemed ready to leave. I got all the registration papers from the downstairs office and we packed up and drove off. 

This was now the most stressful drive of my life. I wanted to get home quick. But of course Mont Royal was jammed with traffic all up the mountain for some reason. So we drove halfway and then I turned around and drove back a different route. So it was kind of like making the most stressful drive of my life twice. 

Eventually we got home safe and Grace was there to greet us. We realized then that we were now left to our own devices to nervously embark on this new adventure with Violet.  

Baby Violet: The First Two and a Half Months

It feels so wild to say this, but it's been 2 months since this little mini-us came into our lives.    Before you have your baby everyone tells you that it goes by so fast and maybe you nod in agreement, but really, y'all, it goes by so freaking fast! It feels like just yesterday I was pregnant and waddling the streets, eating popsicles and pineapple like they were going out of style.  But it's been 61 days since we met Violet and  I can't believe how much she has changed already in such a short amount of time.

When we brought her home we were in mega survival mode, just trying to get a few winks when we could.  Honestly, the first 4 days of her life I slept about 2 hours IN TOTAL, so you can imagine what a tearful freak show I was.   Erik was able to get maybe 5 or 6 hours a night those first few days, so imagine the insanity I felt when halfway through the day he would yawn and say 'man, I'm tired!'

I can laugh about that now.  Only because as I type this my baby is sleeping peacefully in the pack n' play just around the corner from me.  Our soundtrack: The "womb" sound from my white noise app.  Her favorite used to be the Hairdryer sound, which Erik says sounds like a horror movie, but this womb sound is a new favorite! She's been sleeping 35 minutes straight.

So, anyway, The first few weeks were the hardest weeks of my life.  I was not at all prepared for how hard and exhausting it is taking care of a newborn. But they were some of the most magical weeks of my life, as well.    Getting to know Violet, just staring at her face and soaking up all those expressions was fascinating.  I could barely look away.   Also, just getting to know all her little noises has been really fun.  We've nicknamed her most frequent sounds (in case you're interested) the following:  The pterodactyl, the walking dead, the snarl or more specifically Bob Snarley, huffy piggy, throat whistle and poo grunt.  Those are just the faves.

Before she was born I spent months researching where violet was going to sleep.  Bassinets were a daily obsession.  I convinced Erik we should get this one expensive, luxurious bassinet, because it was the best.  So we did.  We got that bassinet.  And in 2 months Violet has spent a total of 6.3 hours in that bed.  She hated it so much when she was first born that she let us know just how much by puking all over it.  numerous times.  We joke now that it is the fanciest laundry basket we've ever owned.  It still sits by the bed, all lonely at night, just waiting for a cuddle.  I think we've got another month or two before she outgrows it so maybe there's still hope.  Thing #1 I've learned since having a baby: Quality and quantity a baby cares not about.

The first few weeks Violet slept wherever we were Able to get her to sleep which was usually on one of our chests.  I slept sitting up on the couch night after night, or with her in my arms in bed as I reclined against 14 pillows.  I was terrified I would never sleep again.  One night Erik told me to go to bed for a nap and I did.  I slept alone in bed from 10pm-4am while he hung out with violet in the living room.  It was the most satisfying feeling ever, and for a while it became our thing.  I zombie-walked to bed at 10, put in earplugs and Erik stayed up with violet till 4am.  Sometimes he even let me sleep till 5am, which was incredible.  I felt like a million bucks.  This lasted between weeks 4 and 6 of her life.  At 6 weeks we started a sleep routine with her.  It was a silly idea I had. We gave her a bath, sang her a song (which she loved and just stared at erik's face the whole time), and fed her and I think on the first try she slept through the night.  Like 11pm-8am with only a couple of dreamy milk snacks in between.   A miracle! So that was the end of Erik staying up with violet till 4am.  I think he kind of misses it.

So now we're a lot more rested and we have a lot of fun during the day.  Violet is becoming more and more smiley.   When she wakes up in the morning and sees our faces looking down at her, she lights up like a christmas tree,  and oh man, it's the best feeling in the world.  The joy in her eyes brings a tear of sheer gratitude to mine.  She's also discovered that she has a hand.  So she stares at it a lot.  sucks on it.  bats at dangling toys.  When she discovers that she actually has 2 of them, I think she'll be even more excited.   She loves reading books, especially this super colorful one called the Chameleon, but erik doesn't like it, because it's a book about conforming.  She actually rolled over the other day from tummy to back.  4 times in a row.  She hasn't done it since, but I was impressed!

Alas, It's not all sparkles and milk dust... It's exhausting. Even though violet sleeps so well at night, she barely sleeps during the day. She wants to be held all the time, which is hard when you have a full time job. Also it's winter in Montreal and so hard to get a baby outside.  I haven't figured out how to dress her in minus 20 degree weather yet.   I miss cooking.   We eat more chicken nugget salads than I'm proud  to admit.   I also really really miss cheese, my favourite food group.  Violet's tummy really doesn't like cow's milk but I'm getting used to black coffee.

Sigh.  Being a mother is crazy y'all.  I can't believe how many women have done it before me. I think every single one of them is amazing.  I never noticed families and babies before.. now it's all I see.  It hasn't been an easy adjustment at all,  Erik and I have so much less time, and we both work full time jobs from home, not to mention we are trying to finish up an album, but I can't imagine our life without Violet.  She is so gentle and easygoing and I know she gets that from her Dad, whom I adore with all my heart.  I love my little family more than anything in the entire world.

Violet's Birth Story

Today Violet turns 1 month and 1 day old!  Since the moment I had her (and even before) I knew I wanted to remember and write her birth story as soon as possible after she was born.  In the days following her birth, in my spare time between learning how to take care of a tiny new baby (oh my God!) I made notes in my phone of things I desperately wanted to remember about her birth.

It's crazy how much I've already forgotten.  Was I really pregnant? Was she truly inside of me squirming and growing for 9 months?  What did it feel like to have her in there?  I remember exactly what it felt like, but have completely forgotten at the same time.  Why does this happen?  Nature's way of trying to get us to procreate again?  It's such an incredible, all-encompassing feeling, why would you not want to do it over and over? I'm pretty much ready to have at least 20 more babies... (maybe don't tell Erik just yet, though).

I think I should back up a bit to where my last blog post left off...

So, Around the 38 week mark of my pregnancy I started to get very antsy for the baby to come.  I was so tired of the questions in my head:  What will my labor feel like?  Will she get here safely? Is she healthy? Is she really a she?  What will she look like?  Who is this being inside of me?!  As the weeks progressed and I got bigger I knew she was getting bigger too.  7lbs my doctor told me.  Then the next week...8 lbs....Ay!  I was so sure she was going to come early this whole time... then there we were approaching the 40 week mark with no labor in sight. I thought to myself "There's no way she's going to fit into those super cute newborn clothes now," and felt disappointed.  I hate admitting that.  That's why I'm admitting it.  

The last 2 weeks of my pregnancy were spent by me trying to induce our baby naturally. I was so afraid of having a scheduled induction.  I've heard so many things about how it's much more painful than going into labor naturally and I desperately wanted to have the experience and excitement of not knowing when labor was going to start.  

About 4 days before my due date at 4pm I went to see my acupuncturist.  Her name is Xiangping and she is from China and she is a magician.  She told me if I didn't go into labor that night, to text her the next day to go back and see her.  It made me nervous to think that her acupuncture might really work!  Less than an hour after leaving her office I started getting contractions every 5 minutes. I spent the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy wanting So badly for my labor to start, but then every time I thought it might actually be starting I felt So unprepared and wanting more time.   

I guess my body wasn't ready because around 3 or 4 am the contractions stopped.  This happened on and off for weeks. I would get hours and hours of contractions, usually painless and especially in the evening, letting Erik know whenever he left the house that something might be happening so check the phone every once in a while, but by morning the contractions would be gone.  I decided not to go see Xiangping again the next day, because I felt like if the baby had been totally ready to come, this would have done it.  She wanted more time in utero.  

I talked to our baby, telling her how I wanted her to come when she was ready and if she wasn't ready that that was ok, but to please do it before September 29th, because at my 40+2 week appointment my doctor scheduled me to be induced the following week.  I began accepting the fact that induction was a possibility and actually came to terms with it.  What choice did I have?

In the meantime I was doing Everything I could to "naturally" induce.  I ate pineapple, dates and drank litres of raspberry leaf tea. I walked and walked (10k up and down the mountain at 9 months pregnant thanks very much, and yes i almost died), I bounced on my birthing ball, stimulated my nipples (which I absolutely abhorred doing, btw, but my doctor told me to), I had a hypnosis mp3 titled "Come OUT, Baby!"  (yes, OUT was capitalized), I did acupressure, I prayed... Come OUT baby (only if you want to though, it's completely up to you).  I felt like I was negotiating with a mystery. 

On September 23rd at my doctor's appointment she did a stretch and sweep. This is a mildly uncomfortable experience where the doctor stretches open your cervix with her fingers. It can only be done if you're already slightly dilated, which I was, so she stretched me to 4cm and I was 100% effaced.  This is very good for someone who has never had a baby before.  I was proud when she told me I had a perfect cervix.  I was excited that maybe this would put me into labor, but I felt great as ever that day.  Erik asked me all afternoon If I felt any differently.  Nope, I smiled.   

On the 24th I went back downtown to see Xiangping: Acupuncture Master.  I was officially over my due date and meant business.  The acupuncture treatment was painful. Xiangping laughed and said through her thick accent "More pain now, less pain later". I love her.  

As I was leaving  she said, 'go shopping now', So I did.  As I was buying myself a beautiful new scarf from Roots that can double as a breastfeeding cover up, the contractions started again.  5 minutes apart and mildly painful.  Mildly painful as in "Yes! This is painful, I'm excited!"  I have never wanted to be in pain so bad in my life.  The contractions continued 5 minutes apart all day and all night.  At 9pm Erik skeptically went to play hockey.  I told him to check his phone when he was done playing, just in case.  While he was gone I took a bath.  I started feeling hot and nauseous and by the time he got home around 11 I was in bed.  He came to say hello and I said I was just going to lay there for a bit.  Normally we have chips (or Chip Tiiiiiime, as we call it) and watch a show, but I wasn't into it and he said he was going to shower and shave (for the baby, he added).   When he was finished I asked him to turn the light out.  This was around 12:30am.

Minutes after he left the room I got a contraction that was different than the previous ones.  It was about 10x's more painful and I felt something pop and shift downward in my pelvis.  I opened my eyes and laid there.  2 minutes later another Very painful contraction.  I debated laying there to see if there would be one more contraction, but got up and went to the living room instead. I sat on the couch and looked at Erik and said "We need to go to the hospital now."  We talked for about 5 minutes.. I didn't know what to do, didn't want to go to the hospital too early, but something felt different and he knew it too. He hadn't packed his hospital bag yet, so he said he was going to do that and we'll see what happened over the next 10 minutes.  I started timing my contractions and they were coming every 1.5 - 2 minutes apart, lasting about 45 seconds to a minute and extremely painful.  I finally wasn't able to move or talk during a contraction.  Well I did say "Ow", if that's considered talking.  He packed quickly and I got out the list remaining things to pack and in the middle of the night this all felt very romantic and meaningful and unique to us and as I finished gathering the last few items on my list (phone charger, pillow,  expensive nut mix), we were out the door.   I've never seen my usually extremely laid-back Erik more frantic.  He ran our belongings out to the car as I slowly and hugely made my way there, having to stop on the sidewalk, mid-contractions.   The drive to the hospital was quiet and beautiful.  No cars on the road, he put in a Nick Cave cd as I tried "Om-ing" and grasping the handrail at the top of the passenger window every time we were threatened with a Montreal pothole.  It was a lovely drive.  

He walked me up to labor and delivery telling the security guard he was leaving the car because "my wife is in labor!"... 

We checked in at the front desk of the 5th floor labor and delivery ward at the Jewish General Hospital and all was super quiet.  I loved this! I don't know why, but I had imagined doctors running through the hallway past women screaming and doubled over, but far as I could tell I was the only person in the city having a baby that night.  It was about 1:20 am at this point. Erik went to go park the car and I went to my room to change into a birthing frock.  I met my nurse Laurin, who was a young, blonde, beautiful angel.  I knew the second I looked into her eyes that she was going to take great care of us.   A resident came to check me and I was 6.5 cm dilated.   Laurin's eyes widened with surprise at how far along I was.  She said I was definitely not going home.  She told me they had a jacuzzi and asked if I wanted to labor in it?  "YES!!"  This was one of my dreams for my labor.  She said she was going to go clean it and that since my water hadn't broken yet, it was totally cool for me to labor in the tub.

I felt super excited.  By this time Erik was back and my contractions were so bad that my legs were shaking uncontrollably on the bed.  It was impossible to get comfortable.  When you take those birthing classes that show you different positions to labor in, it all seems so easy, but I was quickly realizing that even getting into one of those positions was excruciating.  In the 1 minute of relief I had between contractions I decided to stand up and lean over the side of the bed.  Sorry this is gross but at this point half of my water broke and there went the jacuzzi dream.  "I think my water is breaking" I said to Erik, mid-contraction and he looked down and said "Yes, I think so too."

"Do you want an epidural?" Laurin asked.  "No, I'm going to try to do without it, but I'm open."  I thought for sure she was going to pressure me to get it, but was surprised when she said she loves natural deliveries. She did say though, "You have to decide now.  If you're not going to get an epidural then you have to be very convicted in that."   Every single staff member surprised me that night when they were extremely supportive and encouraging of my decision.  Even as I was starting to doubt myself, they told me that I could do it.

As an aside: Since the moment I got pregnant I knew I wanted to have a drug-free birth.  I never understood why a woman would choose that, but about a week before finding out I was pregnant I watched the Business of Being Born and it really changed the way I saw childbirth. I read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and was further convinced.  When I told people I wanted to do it drug-free they rolled their eyes, laughed and told me I was crazy.  Even Erik said he didn't really understand and thought that I was doing it so that I could feel like I was 'better' than a woman who got an epidural, but for me, it had nothing to do with anyone else.  I pass not a single speck of judgement on how another woman's baby comes into the world.  I just wanted to feel it.  I was longing to feel it. I wanted to give birth the way women have been giving birth since the beginning of time.  I figured it couldn't hurt to try.  (or maybe i should say it could hurt to try).

Anyway, a ridiculously painful hour later a resident checked my progress.  8cm.  Exciting! My water was only half broken, meaning there was still a membrane intact.  Laurin brought me a birthing ball to bounce on.  It was the exact same one that I had at home.  This made me happy.  Sitting on it was torture, but Laurin told me the gravity would help the baby come down.   Every contraction, Erik was behind me,  rubbing and putting hercules amounts of pressure on my sacrum, which is basically where all of my pain was centralized.  The word "pain" does not describe it.  "Pain" sounds so gentle, so carefree and easygoing, like breaking a finger or falling upon a spear.  Unfortunately, there is no way for me to explain the pain, because as soon as it overtakes you completely it is gone.  It's like a panic attack.  If you've ever had one you know how bad it is, but when it's over, you forget what it feels like.  This labor was like that.  The absolute worst, most horrible, bone-bashing, ripping your body in twain pain of my life.  Hitting again and again, every 2 minutes for hour upon endless hour.  Every contraction Erik rubbing my sacrum, telling me I was awesome.

As I bounced and rolled and rocked on the birthing ball we listened to music.  I'm not sure if I'll be able to listen to Moonface, the National, Basia Bulat, or Fleetwood Mac ever the same.  But the music helped.  I sang.  I moaned.  I chanted like I learned in pre-natal yoga.  OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! UUUUUUUUUUUU! "oh my God, I don't think I can do this, Erik......"  and he just kept telling me "You're doing it."

One word about Erik.  This guy is incredible.  He was there, every second, every contraction and our time together was so special.  I never once yelled "YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!"  like they do in movies.  We just kept saying how much we love each other and how grateful we are for each other.

We had hired a doula, but held off calling her.  Erik and I were so completely enjoying the experience of doing this alone, together.

By this time it was probably around 5:30 am and Laurin came back from her 2 hour break ( I really missed her while she was gone) and I told her I was feeling a lot of pressure, my legs were still shaking uncontrollably and she called a Dr. to check me again.  Hours had passed and the pain was beyond bearable, but guess what,  I was STILL only at 8cm.   This made me crazy.  What?! NO! I was 8cms 2 hours ago.   She told me sometimes that just happens.  She said things were going really fast for me and that I could keep laboring the way I was, or she said they could break the rest of my water and that would probably shave an hour off my labor.  She also said that breaking my water would make the contractions much more painful.   Neither option was particularly enticing.  Either I keep laboring like this, for God knows how long, or they break my water and I choose to increase my pain.

"Fine, just break it," I said with extreme sadness.

oh and by the way, laying flat on your back on a bed with your legs spread wide open and someone breaking your water while you are in the middle of a contraction is something I wouldn't wish on even the most evil person in the world.  It. is. horrible.

Laurin was no fool when she said the contractions were going to get worse.  The whole night up to this point was beautiful and I was so happy and feeling fearless and full of joy at the fact that maybe I was going to be meeting our baby soon, but post-water-breakage was the only time during this whole experience that I felt afraid.    I felt afraid because my first contraction after they broke my water my body convulsed beyond anything I could control and I yelled "I'm pushing!"  Laurin sternly said "Don't Push!"  and I said I couldn't help it, my body was literally taking over and no matter how hard I tried I could not Not push.  She told me if I pushed when I wasn't completely dilated that the baby's head would hit my cervix and I would swell.  She said this so seriously that it scared me and I began to fear my contractions.  About 1 out of every 10 of them I was able to win over my body, but that left 9 out of 10 that I was absurdly out of control.  It is very strange to have your body so completely over rule your mind.  Even Erik at this point was maybe a little concerned.  "Don't Push!" he would say, as I would yell "I'm pushing! I'm pushing!" and then finally around 6:45am I told him he needed to call the Doula immediately.  I needed extra help at this point.   The sun was coming up and with each contraction I just remember looking out the window and up as high as I could into the brightening sky and saying "God help me, pleaaaase." Erik said my eyes were rolling back into my head and I do believe that is true.

Sesch, the doula, showed up around 7:30am.  I whined "Sesch, they keep telling me not to push but I can't help it, my body is pushing anyway, and it hurts so bad Sesch, it hurts so bad" and she looked at me with sympathetic eyes that I knew she reserved for her ladies in labor and said tenderly " I know it hurts, I know."

"I'm pushhiiiiiing!" I said to her on the next contraction after she arrived and she said "It's ok, so just push" and this made me so happy to hear.   Not feeling like I had to fight it was such a relief.  The 2nd contraction after Sesch arrived was crazy and I said I feel like I needed to poo, and with that she called for the nurse and they checked me again and I was at 10 cm!  Fully dilated and ready to for real push this baby out.

Things get super blurry by this point.  It went fast.  They had me try a "test push" to see if I knew what I was doing.  I guess I did well, because with each contraction, the staff was busy preparing things around me for the arrival of the baby. I screamed during the first push and the Dr. told me I needed to not do that, so I kept quiet and pushed for 10 seconds.  Then I would push again for 10 more.  Pushing was so much easier than trying to get through the earlier contractions but it wasn't glamorous.  I pooped. I nearly puked. I could literally feel the blood vessels in my face breaking and popping.  At the end of each push I let out the growls of a crazy cave lady.  Erik told me that I looked like a monster.  With every contraction I could feel our baby getting closer.  Erik said he was prepared for her little cone head, but was surprised when it looked like the tip of a pencil with some hair on it coming out.  The Dr. asked me if I wanted to feel her head.  "NO!" I shouted, thinking let's just do this please!  After about 6 contractions and 15 minutes of pushing our baby came out.  They put her on my chest.  She was quiet and squirming. I looked at her.  She looked nothing like I thought she would. I inspected every inch of her and fell so instantly in love with the feeling of her being in our presence. In an instant, life as I knew it was gone and replaced by something so unknowably new.

The next 2 days I slept a total of 1 hour.  I devoured hospital meatballs with my hands.  Erik literally spoon fed me while I tried to learn how to feed our baby.  This was so hard.  She was so beautiful and tiny and hungry and I didn't know how to feed her and I was just so tired.  She lost 11% of her body weight and I felt helpless.  Finally, an angel nurse named Liliane helped us.  I learned how to feed Violet pumped breast milk from a cup.  She gained enough weight that they let us go home and I was terrified.  I've never been more terrified in my life.  Nothing prepares you for the moment the baby arrives.

Being pregnant was easy, I realize in retrospect.  I'll be honest, I really miss being pregnant.  The world loves a pregnant lady and it's nice to feel like the world loves you. I miss my belly more than I thought I would and I already want to be pregnant again. (Don't worry Erik, we'll wait till you're ready too.)  But having a baby has changed everything I never knew could be changed. My heart is more wide and full than I ever thought possible.  I love her so fiercely I would do anything to protect her.  My love for my husband has quadrupled.  Even my love for strangers and their children has increased dramatically.  I feel a love and a kindness I've never felt, for others and for myself, but especially for my family.

There were moments in the days after having her that I felt like I was on ecstacy.  My body quivering with joy and a love so deep it couldn't possibly be natural, but it was!  Or at least my hormones led me to believe it was.  An hour later I would be crying, bawling, weeping with such deep feelings of insecurity and fear of how to keep this little being safe.  This has been the craziest experience of my life and I wouldn't change a second of it.  

I didn't know life could be this good.  and at the same time it's hard.  Sleep deprivation is a real thing and I'm pretty much tired all of the time.  It doesn't matter though because when I wake up at 4 in the morning I get to hang out with Violet.  A baby that Erik and I made.   I feel so lucky and blessed.  I know there are so many good times ahead.  I know there will be tough times too.  I am grateful for it all.  Just please Universe, keep our little Violet safe and let her know huge love and massive happiness.  Violet, you are the greatest gift. Your Dad and I love you beyond measure.  I didn't know that I have been waiting my entire life to meet you and you have made my life ridiculously more awesome.

So that's that.  The day Violet was born. The best day of my life. And it keeps getting better.  Thank you for letting me share my story with you.  I know every mother has their own story and they are all so very special and important.  I'm proud to be among the ranks. My respect goes out to every mother out there.   I could spend forever listening to women tell their birth stories.  and one last thank you needs to go out to someone very special.  Dear Mom, Thank You.  I never knew.

37 Weeks Pregnant // Tales from the Final Trimester

Here I am. I'm so excited that I have made it this far!  I'm 37 weeks (whaaat??!?) and a few days pregnant, my baby is as big as a watermelon (mmmm), and is weighing in at about 6+ lbs.  In approximately 3 weeks I'll be a mother.  bonkers.

Honestly, I have prayed to the universe, the moons, the Gods and Goddesses every single day of this pregnancy that our baby stays in until it is full grown and here we are! So close to reaching this goal and feeling like it is a huge accomplishment.

The third trimester has been pretty amazing with a sprinkle of 'wtf is happening?!' thrown in. It's been equally, but for different reasons, as scary as the other two trimesters but it's been by far my favourite trimester.  I think because I know how close we are to meeting our little cricket. I remember being 8 weeks pregnant at my yoga class and the teacher would ask each of us how far we were along and I was sooo envious of the women with their big bellies, calmly saying "36 weeks", and now It's me! Strangers have started to ask me when this baby is coming, so I'm guessing I look pretty close to cooked.

I've had an incredibly gentle pregnancy even though it has surprised me in a few ways.   I thought for sure that I would be one of those pregnant people who was hitting the gym everyday, taking spinning classes and doing weight training, but my body very clearly told me it did not want that during this pregnancy.  My body asked me for walks and prenatal yoga and occasionally going and floating in a pool.  That's it.   I also didn't think I would have very many pregnancy symptoms, but I was wrong.   This 3rd trimester has definitely been the toughest on my body.  It's tiring growing a being and I need daily naps to function. Breathing is often difficult when there is a mini-human pressing on your lungs/stomach/diaphram.  I have never been so uncomfortable in my own body, can't reach my toes, and drop at least 50 objects a day because the hormone relaxin that is produced when you're pregnant loosens all your joints and has rendered me with the inability to firmly hold whatever is in my hand (which, in turn, means I have to bend over to pick something up at least 50 times a day and this part, really really sucks).  I also feel like an 8,000 pound log when I try to roll over in bed. I woke up last night screaming "OW OW OW!" because I was woken up by the most intense leg cramp of my life, and scaring poor Erik to bits.  None of this stuff matters though when I feel our little cricket's tiny hiccups, or feel a little knee poking out of one side of my belly and a bum poking out the other.

I had a minor freak out around the 33 week mark because the dr. told me cricket was breech.  Thoughts of C-sections filled my brain and overwhelmed me.  I desperately want to experience birth naturally and (yes, I'm crazy) even drug-free, if possible.    I fully realize that 20 minutes after contractions start I'll probably be begging for an epidural, but still, my doula has instructions to not give in to my demands. I've been reading about hypnobirthing and find it super fascinating.  It's basically self-hypnosis through breathing and visualization during labor and delivery.  Apparently I can enjoy a pain-free birth using this technique.  Erik's not convinced... but I'll let you know how it goes.

Anyway, after a week (or a day.. I don't know, I can't see in there!) baby went back head down and has stayed that way ever since, Thank the cephalic Gods!

There was one thing though, this one darn thing, that has caused me some real worry and that was all the braxton hicks contractions I was having throughout the 3rd trimester.

In a 'normal' pregnancy, most first time mothers never even feel braxton hicks contractions and if you do, they say anything more than 5 an hour or 10 a day before the 37th week warrants a trip to the labor and delivery ward.  Well, for me, starting around week 25, I was getting up to 30 and 40 contractions a day.  I was obsessively writing them down, sweating and worrying through every single one of them, and counting down the days till my next appointment to show my lists to my Dr.  She was concerned enough around 26 weeks to check my cervix, which, thankfully was long and closed.  This did calm me somewhat, but I spent a lot of energy oscillating between trying to just let go of feeling so out of control and being obsessed with trying to figure out why my body was behaving this way.

I was so worried, I thought for sure my baby was going to be born pre-term, but as I moved closer into the safe zone (34 weeks felt like a major accomplishment) the braxton hicks began bothering me less and less and when I stopped timing them so militantly, they started to diminish a bit.  But on the night of the supermoon (August 9) around 9pm and out of nowhere, I started getting contractions every 5 minutes to the second that lasted for 4 hours.  They weren't painful per se, just so tight, uncomfortable and frequent.  I pounded cup after cup of water, took a long bath and blow dried my hair, because I hadn't washed it in several days and if this baby was coming tonight I wanted to feel clean for at least a little while.  I also packed my hospital bag, which had been on my to do list for weeks.  While I packed my bag It hit me.  This baby is going to come out at some point and SOON.  I didn't feel ready.  When you first find out you are pregnant, it feels like 10 months is an eternity, but now I realize our minds and bodies really need that entire amount of time to prepare.  Around 1 am, the contractions had slowed to about every 7 - 10 minutes and  I felt proud of myself when instead of panicking I decided to go to bed instead.

The next morning we went and got our car seat installed.

We had an appointment yesterday and my Dr. seemed a little surprised that I am 1.5cm dilated and 80% effaced.  She said she thinks she'll probably see me at our appointment next tuesday, or I could essentially go into labor tomorrow.  I found this to be incredibly exciting and scary.  I think Erik had a moment of realization yesterday too.  We did a half day of recording yesterday and I was cramping and contracting and the baby was dancing all day to the music.  We got home around 7, made fish tacos and I went to bed. I am now starting to wonder daily... Is today the day I can finish everything on my to do list....just in case.......

but then I add things to my list.

All in all, I'm ready but not ready.  scared but not scared. I want the cricket to come whenever the cricket wants to come.

I've so loved the experience of being pregnant and I'm hesitant to let it go.  I think I'm going to miss it.  Luckily, I don't have a choice in the matter, life continues on and I am extremely excited to experience labor, the birthing of our baby and to become a family of 3 to a child that we really really want and will get to love every day and watch grow.  It makes every single moment of uncertainty and worry in this process completely worth it.   Thanks for reading if you made it this far and letting me share my journey with you.  

28 weeks pregnant // joys + anxieties

Well, it's official. I love being pregnant. I love feeling our little cricket move and kick under my skin. It kind of feels like when you get a twitching muscle, only a million times less annoying. I love watching my belly grow every week so much so that I look forward to stepping on the scale first thing in the morning (talk to me about this in 4 months, I may have changed my tune). I love tossing around baby name ideas with Erik. I love knowing that every week we're another week closer to meeting our baby.  Reading books and message boards, researching baby gear and watching pregnancy vlogs on youtube are a favourite pastime. And I feel so connected to this seemingly gentle, calm being inside of me. It seems to me, that our baby is pretty zen about this whole process. So is my husband. So I'm convinced that I should follow their lead.  I've had a very easy pregnancy, physically, for the most part and like I said, I am in love with being pregnant, but I admit I am also so very afraid of it at the same time.

I don't want to sound like one of those people who just talks about how amazing and perfect everything is, because obviously, as we all know, it just isn't realistic or true.  I've spent a lot of this pregnancy feeling extremely anxious.  It's like being on an adventure vacation on another planet where everything is strange and beautiful, but all-consuming and constantly changing and just when you get used to one thing and start having fun,  a talking yeti hops on your back and asks you to do push-ups.  I swear, that's exactly what it feels like.  I feel extremely lucky that my anxiety is only due to my thoughts of something going wrong, instead of something actually going wrong, but it is still hard sometimes.  Especially when most of my mental anxieties are  triggered by very strange sensations in my ever-changing body that I have never felt before.  I'll say this: When your baby is hanging out down so low in your pelvis and is kicking your cervix and other unmentionable areas over and over again and you kind of wonder if it's because it is trying to get a foot out into the world early and you're already getting weird braxton hicks contractions,  you may take a trip to labor and delivery just to make sure everything is normal and fine and it is indeed perfectly normal and fine.   Or when you don't really feel much movement at all for two days, you will put yourself into weird yoga positions that usually cause your baby to squirm, because you just need a little feedback from time to time from the doctor and from the baby.  In my heart, I know everything is exactly the way it is meant to be and that our baby chose Erik and I specifically to be its parents and that we are going to meet this little being and become a family so very soon and that I can trust trust trust.  So when my anxiety and panic and fear and then shame for feeling those things arise,  I take some deep breaths and remind myself to trust this amazing process that I am lucky to be a part of.

Aside from anxiety, and this may be a bit too much info, bloating has been my worst symptom.  It feels like there is a balloon expanding in my stomach, pushing my skin to its limits, which, un-technically, is exactly what is happening, and it is uncomfortable, to say the least.  I also have a hit-by-a-truck level of fatigue and hips that feel like they are trying to unscrew themselves from my own body.  It seems to go that there are a couple of really good days, where I barely feel pregnant (except for the fact that I usually need help getting up from a seated position) to days when I can't do much except sit and relax (ok..and eat).

Over the last couple of months I've realized that this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience.  I tend to be the kind of person who really doesn't understand an experience until I am 100% experiencing it for myself.  You can tell me a thousand times that I'll never sleep once the baby comes, that it's the hardest and most rewarding thing I'll ever do and I'll say "oh, I know!" and intellectually, I do understand, but viscerally, I won't and that is what life is to me.  Something to experience viscerally.  I am, like so many of us are, a super-feeler. I've got to feel it to believe it.   So, that being said, I'm so excited that I'm having this in-my-body adventure. I feel so connected to mothers and love hearing everyone's experiences of pregnancy and birth, because I get how fascinating it is now.  And I also totally get that if you're reading this, and you haven't experienced it, that this may be the most boring blog post you've ever read in your life, and I'm ok with that, because I was that person too.   I have to admit, I spent the majority of my life dreading getting pregnant. I'm not kidding. The thought alone of getting engaged or married or having a baby was enough to throw me into a full blown panic attack so intense it necessitated medication.  Until I met Erik. But as it turns out, the saying proves true in this regard: that the thing you fear the most is probably the very thing you should do.

I've learned so much about myself that I didn't know. I've learned how easy it is to take loving care of myself by eating nutritiously,  doing yoga, meditating, studying, not letting anxiety pummel me like a tidal wave and getting enough sleep.  I've learned that I'm stronger than I ever thought and that it's so healthy to let myself feel overwhelmed with the love and gratitude that I feel for Erik, my baby, my family and friends.   The worrier in me then automatically thinks that I might never, ever be this happy ever again.

I still have 12 weeks (and 2 days) to go for this pregnancy (if I'm lucky) and I'm already mourning not being pregnant anymore.  Even if we have another child one day, it won't be the new, thrilling, terrifying learning experience that it is right now. A friend of mine who is due like 4 days ago, told me that she was surprised by how much grief she has over the pregnancy ending and that it's strange to think that this has just been a temporary state.  I get it get it get it.  She couldn't have said it better. When I first got pregnant, I wasn't sure how I was going to get through it, and now I'm not sure I ever want it to end.  But I am also looking at this from the side of not seeing that little baby's face or holding baby in my arms. I am also not the size of a hot air balloon yet, and guess that by the time I am I will be good with letting this pregnancy come to an end.

Aside from the all that, (are you still here?) we've been busy. Erik and I have been recording an album at Mountain City and it is going super well! Every time we listen back to this one particular song, our baby starts doing the sprinkler inside my belly. It's pretty much the coolest feeling in the world.  I love that someday I'll be able to play the album for the baby and say when we were making this you were in my belly, which basically means the baby was totally a performer on this record and that we should give the baby a credit and socan royalties.

We've also been meeting with the doula, painting the nursery and have been slowly accumulating stuff for the baby (hi, breast pump).  I think it's time I start transitioning from reading books about pregnancy and labor to reading books about what to do once the baby actually gets here. (hi, I'm clueless!)  We also found out if we're having a boy or girl, but a certain someone in our family, who I'm guessing will probably read this blog, wants to be surprised, so, you're all just going to have to wait to find out.  Please feel free to leave your guesses in the comments though!

phew. I think that's about all for now.  I really really wish I could write here everyday, instead of every 8 weeks, but it is what it is.  Maybe once the baby comes, I'll have more time to blog.......... hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah (says everyone).

bye for now.

The First 20 Weeks of Pregnancy // Laying It All Out There

It feels so surprising to say this but I'm already over halfway through my pregnancy! (Officially 21 weeks and 1 day but who's counting?). It's going by so slow and so fast all at the same time.  I remember being 8 weeks pregnant, before anyone but Erik and I knew about the cricket in my belly and thinking with crinkled brow...thirrrty twooo more weeks to go… how do women do this?

I won't lie, those first couple months were hard for me.   There were millions of thoughts going through my mind about what this pregnancy meant for us and I felt overwhelmed with worry.  I worried about everything.  I worried about how wild and imperfect and impulsive and flawed I am.  How can I have a baby?! I worried if our baby would be healthy and if it was something I could cause or prevent with the things I do or eat?  I worried about losing my identity and my freedom. I worried about the world we live in.  I worried about it not just being Erik and I anymore. I worried about each symptom I felt.  I spent hours and hours devouring information on pregnancy.  I think with the amount of time I spent studying pregnancy in the last 20 weeks I could have a PhD by now.

The thing is, all this worrying wasn't really a new thing for me.  It's just that suddenly every other worry I had in my life lost importance and all my energy funnelled into the fact that I had this Very Important Baby to worry about.  Every day that passed my attachment to this unknowable being inside me grew stronger. But the fact that growing this baby wasn't something I could make happen with to-do lists and step by step instructions drove me crazy.

I tried to tell myself that I shouldn't change my entire life just because I was pregnant.  I tried to eat well (which I already did before getting pregnant), drank lots of water, took prenatal vitamins,  saw my naturopath and osteopath and tried to keep up my workout schedule.  It was about 8 weeks into the pregnancy that I realized I was going to have to slow down a bit.   After doing a particularly challenging workout at the gym I had a bit of bleeding and Erik and I ended up in the emergency room for 9 hours.   It was a horrible wait only made worse by the fact that there was an 8 month pregnant lady sitting with her friend in the waiting room.  I enviously stared at her belly wondering what was going on inside of me.  They couldn't really tell us much after 2 ultrasounds by 2 different technicians except that they "thought they could see a heartbeat" and that there was "no way to stop a miscarriage."   It wasn't until 5 days later at a private clinic that I got another ultrasound that showed our little amphibian doing super well with a heart rate of 174 bpm.  I will never forget the look on Erik's face while he was looking at our baby on the ultrasound screen.  It was pure joy and awe and it completely melted me and made me fall a million times more in love with him than I already was.  Those 5 days of not knowing if our baby was ok made me realize how much this baby meant to me already even after only knowing of its existence for 4 weeks. I decided that I wasn't going to worry anymore.  I told myself that whatever was meant to be would be and that I trusted the Universe and the wisdom of this baby and my body and at this point is when I truly found myself falling in love with the mystery of being pregnant.

I read something last night by an analyst and professor at Harvard Medical, Grete Lehner Bibring, who describes pregnancy as a "normal crisis," and a "point of no return between one phase to the next," where a new self must be constructed.  This describes so succinctly what I had not been able to find the words for.  Everyone kept saying "Pregnancy is normal, this is what you were built for!" and I would reply "But it is not normal to me, I've never done this."

It took me a while to understand and accept that growing a human is a super mysterious process with not a lot of knowns.  I always thought pregnancy would be this thing where you just felt kind of uncomfortable and tired and hungry. I thought that since billions of women before me had gone through pregnancy and childbirth that it wasn't that unique of an experience, so it's surprising to me how I feel that this is hands down, absolutely the most incredible experience of my life.

I had a lot more planned for this post. I wanted to talk about all of the joyful and enchanting parts of being pregnant too, but I will save that for a post later on in the week.  I will say that this little baby has taught me so much about myself.  I've never been more happy or at peace than I am right now.  I am wildly grateful every day for this experience. I think this little bean sprout inside of me is incredibly wise and that I will be learning so many beautiful lessons in the years to come.

In Six Full Moons From Now (Big News!)

I'm so excited to announce that Erik and I are expecting our first baby!  I'm currently 15 weeks along, and as someone who wasn't sure if she was even going to be able to get pregnant, it's been an emotional time.  There are so many words I could use to describe these first few months:  thrilling, joyous, terrifying, love-filled, insightful, heartwarming, did i mention terrifying?!  We are so in love with the little kumquat in my belly already, and getting more and more used to the idea that we are growing a human.   Wait.. WHAT?  We're growing a human?!?!

Until I met Erik, I never really saw myself settling down with someone.  I always had a hard time envisioning myself married, or having a family.  It was like having two puzzle pieces that were from two completely different puzzles.   I spent my 20's working, paying off debts, playing in bands, writing music, learning how to cook, drinking lots of wine and just generally having a really great time.  When Erik and I met we spent years focusing on our band and our work.   After 4 or 5 years of being super in love together, I started mentioning having kids.  It was always the same conversation.  I'd say "What do you think about having a baby?"  He would reply " I think It'd be fun!"   Now, while this wasn't quite the response I felt super comfortable with, I knew that it meant our visions of the future were similar and I was ok with having a family without doing the big wedding and marriage thing.

So of course, what happened next is that Erik proposed. We spent 10 months planning our wedding, and this left us very little time for anything else, so I put conception on the back burner till after the wedding.   I mean, we still made time for you-know-what but I didn't want to be 5 months pregnant at my wedding, I wanted to enjoy the open bar!

We were married in a charming and rustic 100 year old octagonal barn with our amazing friends and family, near Portland, Oregon in July of last year and spent the next few weeks visiting family on the west coast. We decided to buy Erik's grandmother's car from her and we drove it from Vancouver Island back to Montreal in 4 days.  We planned on taking our honeymoon in the winter, but this little road trip was the sweetest impromptu honeymoon I could have ever imagined.    I couldn't believe we did it! We were married and I still only used my xanax on an as needed basis, which really wasn't very often at all!

Fall and Winter came quickly and we spent a lot of time indoors.  Erik was starting a new business and I work from home and it was just sooo cold outside.  -10 degrees, -20 degrees, -30 gajillion degrees. I was also seeing a naturopath who recommended I test for heavy metals in my body (because of fillings I had gotten when I was a kid).  It turned out that I had 3 times the 'recommended' amount of lead in my system,  So I spent 2 and a half months doing a pretty intense detoxification.   The detox ended in early December and I was re-tested for heavy metals and everything was in the normal range, something I was very relieved about.   We spent Christmas out on Vancouver Island with Erik's family and physically my body was beginning to heal and recover from the intense few months of detox.

Shortly after New Year's day this year, I got the flu. I had never had the flu like this.   I was feverish and nauseous, couldn't eat, lost 10 lbs, was dizzy and actually wondered if my organs were starting to fail.  (All normal symptoms except that last one, but truth be told,  I'm a recovering hypochondriac).
I was maniacally googling symptoms trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  (hello, things you are never ever supposed to do),  and I googled 'hard stomach' because that particular hour my stomach was feeling hard.  When it lead me to an articled entitled '9 early pregnancy symptoms', I had a "things that makes you go hmmm" moment.   I was sooo sick with the flu, but I thought to myself: "I'll take a pregnancy test just to rule out that it isn't That."

Since we had sort of kind of been trying to get pregnant for a year-ish, (which basically means not trying, but not not trying), I happened to have a dollar store pregnancy test in my bathroom cupboard. I won't go into details but this dollar store pregnancy test was not so simple as pee on a stick.  I ended up blowing it and using it wrong and throwing it away.  I went to the pharmacy and got the most expensive pee on a stick test they had.  I got home, ripped it open, peed and then did some dishes, some laundry, made the bed.. and then remembered "Oh yeah, I have to go see that that test says that I'm not pregnant".  So when that 2nd pink line said I was, in actuality, a little bit pregnant….. my fear of my organs failing melted away and was replaced by a million thousand hundred other feelings.   I literally took 5 more pregnancy tests after that one, and they all continued to be positive.   Erik was a little surprised when he came home that afternoon and I told him that it looked like I needed to buy that book "What to Expect When You're Expecting", but without skipping a beat he was super huggy and letting me know that he thought this was 'going to be fun.'  The first couple of days of knowing were some of the most exciting,  nerve-wracking few days of my life.  Can I really handle the responsibility of growing this being?!  Can I handle all of the mystery of not being able to see inside of my stomach and hear the little kumquat say "hey, everything's good in here,  I'm digging the doughnut / kale combo, keep it up!"  But here's the big one: Am I going to be a good mother?  

I've spent years learning and practicing how to be unconditionally loving and accepting, how to be a deeply comforting listener, how to be gently and courageously honest.   I'm not quite sure I'm there yet, wherever "there" is, but I am so excited to find out who this little person is and to learn and practice even more ways of how to be a real human being.

Are you still with me? If you've made it this far, I'm impressed!

Well, that's it! That is the story of how I came to be pregnant and some of my thoughts about it.  It's one of the most interesting things that has happened to me in this lifetime and I am so excited that I get to experience it with someone that I love so very much.  Thanks for letting me share this with you guys.

where there is life there is love.

This is a day to celebrate love.  Let's expand our narrow definition of Love and open our hearts to the countless ways we love and are loved in this world.  From the way the cat comes and lays its sleepy head in your hand to the way your father's voice sounds on the telephone when you share good news.

Tonight my husband and I were invited to share some of our music at an incredible restaurant in Ormstown (about an hour drive from Montreal).  We'll be playing for what I can only assume will be people on dates and I am so excited to be a part of this experience.  To witness people connecting, young and old, with hearts soft and open.

and if you are feeling lonely in any way on this day, that's ok too, but know that I love you and that there are a bunch of other people who do too.  Oh, and loneliness can be filled with love as well.  When you start to love yourself you realize it's the best kind of love.

Hello February, worst month to exist ever!

I can't believe I haven't updated in 2 months! Not that anyone reads this, but that's not the point.  I hope to eventually get enough content on this blog to feel comfortable enough to share it with friends and family and one of my goals is to blog everyday, but life just keeps getting in the darn way all the time.

So what have I been up to lately?  Well, to be honest, a lot!, I don't know! This always seems to happen around this time of year in Montreal. It's so icy and below freezing outside that you end up just hibernating in your apartment with chicken strips and episodes of homeland. Or you find yourself under your blanket at 4 in the afternoon just because it's the only warm place that exists at that moment in time.  I work from home too, so it's not very motivating to get up and out there. I spend most of the day in tights and a hoodie and today my two Big goals were get the oil on the car changed and make an organic green juice. (both of which I'm proud to say have been accomplished.)

I have high plans to write more music, practice for an out of town show we are playing for Valentine's day, and decorate our apartment all cozy and modern-like.  I want to make lasagna from scratch and invite friends over to share it with… but maybe I must just accept that February is the official "I only leave the house 6 times in 30 days" month.  And that is ok.  honestly.