Today Violet turns 1 month and 1 day old! Since the moment I had her (and even before) I knew I wanted to remember and write her birth story as soon as possible after she was born. In the days following her birth, in my spare time between learning how to take care of a tiny new baby (oh my God!) I made notes in my phone of things I desperately wanted to remember about her birth.
It's crazy how much I've already forgotten. Was I really pregnant? Was she truly inside of me squirming and growing for 9 months? What did it feel like to have her in there? I remember exactly what it felt like, but have completely forgotten at the same time. Why does this happen? Nature's way of trying to get us to procreate again? It's such an incredible, all-encompassing feeling, why would you not want to do it over and over? I'm pretty much ready to have at least 20 more babies... (maybe don't tell Erik just yet, though).
I think I should back up a bit to where my last blog post left off...
So, Around the 38 week mark of my pregnancy I started to get very antsy for the baby to come. I was so tired of the questions in my head: What will my labor feel like? Will she get here safely? Is she healthy? Is she really a she? What will she look like? Who is this being inside of me?! As the weeks progressed and I got bigger I knew she was getting bigger too. 7lbs my doctor told me. Then the next week...8 lbs....Ay! I was so sure she was going to come early this whole time... then there we were approaching the 40 week mark with no labor in sight. I thought to myself "There's no way she's going to fit into those super cute newborn clothes now," and felt disappointed. I hate admitting that. That's why I'm admitting it.
The last 2 weeks of my pregnancy were spent by me trying to induce our baby naturally. I was so afraid of having a scheduled induction. I've heard so many things about how it's much more painful than going into labor naturally and I desperately wanted to have the experience and excitement of not knowing when labor was going to start.
About 4 days before my due date at 4pm I went to see my acupuncturist. Her name is Xiangping and she is from China and she is a magician. She told me if I didn't go into labor that night, to text her the next day to go back and see her. It made me nervous to think that her acupuncture might really work! Less than an hour after leaving her office I started getting contractions every 5 minutes. I spent the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy wanting So badly for my labor to start, but then every time I thought it might actually be starting I felt So unprepared and wanting more time.
I guess my body wasn't ready because around 3 or 4 am the contractions stopped. This happened on and off for weeks. I would get hours and hours of contractions, usually painless and especially in the evening, letting Erik know whenever he left the house that something might be happening so check the phone every once in a while, but by morning the contractions would be gone. I decided not to go see Xiangping again the next day, because I felt like if the baby had been totally ready to come, this would have done it. She wanted more time in utero.
I talked to our baby, telling her how I wanted her to come when she was ready and if she wasn't ready that that was ok, but to please do it before September 29th, because at my 40+2 week appointment my doctor scheduled me to be induced the following week. I began accepting the fact that induction was a possibility and actually came to terms with it. What choice did I have?
In the meantime I was doing Everything I could to "naturally" induce. I ate pineapple, dates and drank litres of raspberry leaf tea. I walked and walked (10k up and down the mountain at 9 months pregnant thanks very much, and yes i almost died), I bounced on my birthing ball, stimulated my nipples (which I absolutely abhorred doing, btw, but my doctor told me to), I had a hypnosis mp3 titled "Come OUT, Baby!" (yes, OUT was capitalized), I did acupressure, I prayed... Come OUT baby (only if you want to though, it's completely up to you). I felt like I was negotiating with a mystery.
On September 23rd at my doctor's appointment she did a stretch and sweep. This is a mildly uncomfortable experience where the doctor stretches open your cervix with her fingers. It can only be done if you're already slightly dilated, which I was, so she stretched me to 4cm and I was 100% effaced. This is very good for someone who has never had a baby before. I was proud when she told me I had a perfect cervix. I was excited that maybe this would put me into labor, but I felt great as ever that day. Erik asked me all afternoon If I felt any differently. Nope, I smiled.
On the 24th I went back downtown to see Xiangping: Acupuncture Master. I was officially over my due date and meant business. The acupuncture treatment was painful. Xiangping laughed and said through her thick accent "More pain now, less pain later". I love her.
As I was leaving she said, 'go shopping now', So I did. As I was buying myself a beautiful new scarf from Roots that can double as a breastfeeding cover up, the contractions started again. 5 minutes apart and mildly painful. Mildly painful as in "Yes! This is painful, I'm excited!" I have never wanted to be in pain so bad in my life. The contractions continued 5 minutes apart all day and all night. At 9pm Erik skeptically went to play hockey. I told him to check his phone when he was done playing, just in case. While he was gone I took a bath. I started feeling hot and nauseous and by the time he got home around 11 I was in bed. He came to say hello and I said I was just going to lay there for a bit. Normally we have chips (or Chip Tiiiiiime, as we call it) and watch a show, but I wasn't into it and he said he was going to shower and shave (for the baby, he added). When he was finished I asked him to turn the light out. This was around 12:30am.
Minutes after he left the room I got a contraction that was different than the previous ones. It was about 10x's more painful and I felt something pop and shift downward in my pelvis. I opened my eyes and laid there. 2 minutes later another Very painful contraction. I debated laying there to see if there would be one more contraction, but got up and went to the living room instead. I sat on the couch and looked at Erik and said "We need to go to the hospital now." We talked for about 5 minutes.. I didn't know what to do, didn't want to go to the hospital too early, but something felt different and he knew it too. He hadn't packed his hospital bag yet, so he said he was going to do that and we'll see what happened over the next 10 minutes. I started timing my contractions and they were coming every 1.5 - 2 minutes apart, lasting about 45 seconds to a minute and extremely painful. I finally wasn't able to move or talk during a contraction. Well I did say "Ow", if that's considered talking. He packed quickly and I got out the list remaining things to pack and in the middle of the night this all felt very romantic and meaningful and unique to us and as I finished gathering the last few items on my list (phone charger, pillow, expensive nut mix), we were out the door. I've never seen my usually extremely laid-back Erik more frantic. He ran our belongings out to the car as I slowly and hugely made my way there, having to stop on the sidewalk, mid-contractions. The drive to the hospital was quiet and beautiful. No cars on the road, he put in a Nick Cave cd as I tried "Om-ing" and grasping the handrail at the top of the passenger window every time we were threatened with a Montreal pothole. It was a lovely drive.
He walked me up to labor and delivery telling the security guard he was leaving the car because "my wife is in labor!"...
We checked in at the front desk of the 5th floor labor and delivery ward at the Jewish General Hospital and all was super quiet. I loved this! I don't know why, but I had imagined doctors running through the hallway past women screaming and doubled over, but far as I could tell I was the only person in the city having a baby that night. It was about 1:20 am at this point. Erik went to go park the car and I went to my room to change into a birthing frock. I met my nurse Laurin, who was a young, blonde, beautiful angel. I knew the second I looked into her eyes that she was going to take great care of us. A resident came to check me and I was 6.5 cm dilated. Laurin's eyes widened with surprise at how far along I was. She said I was definitely not going home. She told me they had a jacuzzi and asked if I wanted to labor in it? "YES!!" This was one of my dreams for my labor. She said she was going to go clean it and that since my water hadn't broken yet, it was totally cool for me to labor in the tub.
I felt super excited. By this time Erik was back and my contractions were so bad that my legs were shaking uncontrollably on the bed. It was impossible to get comfortable. When you take those birthing classes that show you different positions to labor in, it all seems so easy, but I was quickly realizing that even getting into one of those positions was excruciating. In the 1 minute of relief I had between contractions I decided to stand up and lean over the side of the bed. Sorry this is gross but at this point half of my water broke and there went the jacuzzi dream. "I think my water is breaking" I said to Erik, mid-contraction and he looked down and said "Yes, I think so too."
"Do you want an epidural?" Laurin asked. "No, I'm going to try to do without it, but I'm open." I thought for sure she was going to pressure me to get it, but was surprised when she said she loves natural deliveries. She did say though, "You have to decide now. If you're not going to get an epidural then you have to be very convicted in that." Every single staff member surprised me that night when they were extremely supportive and encouraging of my decision. Even as I was starting to doubt myself, they told me that I could do it.
As an aside: Since the moment I got pregnant I knew I wanted to have a drug-free birth. I never understood why a woman would choose that, but about a week before finding out I was pregnant I watched the Business of Being Born and it really changed the way I saw childbirth. I read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and was further convinced. When I told people I wanted to do it drug-free they rolled their eyes, laughed and told me I was crazy. Even Erik said he didn't really understand and thought that I was doing it so that I could feel like I was 'better' than a woman who got an epidural, but for me, it had nothing to do with anyone else. I pass not a single speck of judgement on how another woman's baby comes into the world. I just wanted to feel it. I was longing to feel it. I wanted to give birth the way women have been giving birth since the beginning of time. I figured it couldn't hurt to try. (or maybe i should say it could hurt to try).
Anyway, a ridiculously painful hour later a resident checked my progress. 8cm. Exciting! My water was only half broken, meaning there was still a membrane intact. Laurin brought me a birthing ball to bounce on. It was the exact same one that I had at home. This made me happy. Sitting on it was torture, but Laurin told me the gravity would help the baby come down. Every contraction, Erik was behind me, rubbing and putting hercules amounts of pressure on my sacrum, which is basically where all of my pain was centralized. The word "pain" does not describe it. "Pain" sounds so gentle, so carefree and easygoing, like breaking a finger or falling upon a spear. Unfortunately, there is no way for me to explain the pain, because as soon as it overtakes you completely it is gone. It's like a panic attack. If you've ever had one you know how bad it is, but when it's over, you forget what it feels like. This labor was like that. The absolute worst, most horrible, bone-bashing, ripping your body in twain pain of my life. Hitting again and again, every 2 minutes for hour upon endless hour. Every contraction Erik rubbing my sacrum, telling me I was awesome.
As I bounced and rolled and rocked on the birthing ball we listened to music. I'm not sure if I'll be able to listen to Moonface, the National, Basia Bulat, or Fleetwood Mac ever the same. But the music helped. I sang. I moaned. I chanted like I learned in pre-natal yoga. OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! UUUUUUUUUUUU! "oh my God, I don't think I can do this, Erik......" and he just kept telling me "You're doing it."
One word about Erik. This guy is incredible. He was there, every second, every contraction and our time together was so special. I never once yelled "YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!" like they do in movies. We just kept saying how much we love each other and how grateful we are for each other.
We had hired a doula, but held off calling her. Erik and I were so completely enjoying the experience of doing this alone, together.
By this time it was probably around 5:30 am and Laurin came back from her 2 hour break ( I really missed her while she was gone) and I told her I was feeling a lot of pressure, my legs were still shaking uncontrollably and she called a Dr. to check me again. Hours had passed and the pain was beyond bearable, but guess what, I was STILL only at 8cm. This made me crazy. What?! NO! I was 8cms 2 hours ago. She told me sometimes that just happens. She said things were going really fast for me and that I could keep laboring the way I was, or she said they could break the rest of my water and that would probably shave an hour off my labor. She also said that breaking my water would make the contractions much more painful. Neither option was particularly enticing. Either I keep laboring like this, for God knows how long, or they break my water and I choose to increase my pain.
"Fine, just break it," I said with extreme sadness.
oh and by the way, laying flat on your back on a bed with your legs spread wide open and someone breaking your water while you are in the middle of a contraction is something I wouldn't wish on even the most evil person in the world. It. is. horrible.
Laurin was no fool when she said the contractions were going to get worse. The whole night up to this point was beautiful and I was so happy and feeling fearless and full of joy at the fact that maybe I was going to be meeting our baby soon, but post-water-breakage was the only time during this whole experience that I felt afraid. I felt afraid because my first contraction after they broke my water my body convulsed beyond anything I could control and I yelled "I'm pushing!" Laurin sternly said "Don't Push!" and I said I couldn't help it, my body was literally taking over and no matter how hard I tried I could not Not push. She told me if I pushed when I wasn't completely dilated that the baby's head would hit my cervix and I would swell. She said this so seriously that it scared me and I began to fear my contractions. About 1 out of every 10 of them I was able to win over my body, but that left 9 out of 10 that I was absurdly out of control. It is very strange to have your body so completely over rule your mind. Even Erik at this point was maybe a little concerned. "Don't Push!" he would say, as I would yell "I'm pushing! I'm pushing!" and then finally around 6:45am I told him he needed to call the Doula immediately. I needed extra help at this point. The sun was coming up and with each contraction I just remember looking out the window and up as high as I could into the brightening sky and saying "God help me, pleaaaase." Erik said my eyes were rolling back into my head and I do believe that is true.
Sesch, the doula, showed up around 7:30am. I whined "Sesch, they keep telling me not to push but I can't help it, my body is pushing anyway, and it hurts so bad Sesch, it hurts so bad" and she looked at me with sympathetic eyes that I knew she reserved for her ladies in labor and said tenderly " I know it hurts, I know."
"I'm pushhiiiiiing!" I said to her on the next contraction after she arrived and she said "It's ok, so just push" and this made me so happy to hear. Not feeling like I had to fight it was such a relief. The 2nd contraction after Sesch arrived was crazy and I said I feel like I needed to poo, and with that she called for the nurse and they checked me again and I was at 10 cm! Fully dilated and ready to for real push this baby out.
Things get super blurry by this point. It went fast. They had me try a "test push" to see if I knew what I was doing. I guess I did well, because with each contraction, the staff was busy preparing things around me for the arrival of the baby. I screamed during the first push and the Dr. told me I needed to not do that, so I kept quiet and pushed for 10 seconds. Then I would push again for 10 more. Pushing was so much easier than trying to get through the earlier contractions but it wasn't glamorous. I pooped. I nearly puked. I could literally feel the blood vessels in my face breaking and popping. At the end of each push I let out the growls of a crazy cave lady. Erik told me that I looked like a monster. With every contraction I could feel our baby getting closer. Erik said he was prepared for her little cone head, but was surprised when it looked like the tip of a pencil with some hair on it coming out. The Dr. asked me if I wanted to feel her head. "NO!" I shouted, thinking let's just do this please! After about 6 contractions and 15 minutes of pushing our baby came out. They put her on my chest. She was quiet and squirming. I looked at her. She looked nothing like I thought she would. I inspected every inch of her and fell so instantly in love with the feeling of her being in our presence. In an instant, life as I knew it was gone and replaced by something so unknowably new.
The next 2 days I slept a total of 1 hour. I devoured hospital meatballs with my hands. Erik literally spoon fed me while I tried to learn how to feed our baby. This was so hard. She was so beautiful and tiny and hungry and I didn't know how to feed her and I was just so tired. She lost 11% of her body weight and I felt helpless. Finally, an angel nurse named Liliane helped us. I learned how to feed Violet pumped breast milk from a cup. She gained enough weight that they let us go home and I was terrified. I've never been more terrified in my life. Nothing prepares you for the moment the baby arrives.
Being pregnant was easy, I realize in retrospect. I'll be honest, I really miss being pregnant. The world loves a pregnant lady and it's nice to feel like the world loves you. I miss my belly more than I thought I would and I already want to be pregnant again. (Don't worry Erik, we'll wait till you're ready too.) But having a baby has changed everything I never knew could be changed. My heart is more wide and full than I ever thought possible. I love her so fiercely I would do anything to protect her. My love for my husband has quadrupled. Even my love for strangers and their children has increased dramatically. I feel a love and a kindness I've never felt, for others and for myself, but especially for my family.
There were moments in the days after having her that I felt like I was on ecstacy. My body quivering with joy and a love so deep it couldn't possibly be natural, but it was! Or at least my hormones led me to believe it was. An hour later I would be crying, bawling, weeping with such deep feelings of insecurity and fear of how to keep this little being safe. This has been the craziest experience of my life and I wouldn't change a second of it.
I didn't know life could be this good. and at the same time it's hard. Sleep deprivation is a real thing and I'm pretty much tired all of the time. It doesn't matter though because when I wake up at 4 in the morning I get to hang out with Violet. A baby that Erik and I made. I feel so lucky and blessed. I know there are so many good times ahead. I know there will be tough times too. I am grateful for it all. Just please Universe, keep our little Violet safe and let her know huge love and massive happiness. Violet, you are the greatest gift. Your Dad and I love you beyond measure. I didn't know that I have been waiting my entire life to meet you and you have made my life ridiculously more awesome.
So that's that. The day Violet was born. The best day of my life. And it keeps getting better. Thank you for letting me share my story with you. I know every mother has their own story and they are all so very special and important. I'm proud to be among the ranks. My respect goes out to every mother out there. I could spend forever listening to women tell their birth stories. and one last thank you needs to go out to someone very special. Dear Mom, Thank You. I never knew.
I felt super excited. By this time Erik was back and my contractions were so bad that my legs were shaking uncontrollably on the bed. It was impossible to get comfortable. When you take those birthing classes that show you different positions to labor in, it all seems so easy, but I was quickly realizing that even getting into one of those positions was excruciating. In the 1 minute of relief I had between contractions I decided to stand up and lean over the side of the bed. Sorry this is gross but at this point half of my water broke and there went the jacuzzi dream. "I think my water is breaking" I said to Erik, mid-contraction and he looked down and said "Yes, I think so too."
"Do you want an epidural?" Laurin asked. "No, I'm going to try to do without it, but I'm open." I thought for sure she was going to pressure me to get it, but was surprised when she said she loves natural deliveries. She did say though, "You have to decide now. If you're not going to get an epidural then you have to be very convicted in that." Every single staff member surprised me that night when they were extremely supportive and encouraging of my decision. Even as I was starting to doubt myself, they told me that I could do it.
As an aside: Since the moment I got pregnant I knew I wanted to have a drug-free birth. I never understood why a woman would choose that, but about a week before finding out I was pregnant I watched the Business of Being Born and it really changed the way I saw childbirth. I read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and was further convinced. When I told people I wanted to do it drug-free they rolled their eyes, laughed and told me I was crazy. Even Erik said he didn't really understand and thought that I was doing it so that I could feel like I was 'better' than a woman who got an epidural, but for me, it had nothing to do with anyone else. I pass not a single speck of judgement on how another woman's baby comes into the world. I just wanted to feel it. I was longing to feel it. I wanted to give birth the way women have been giving birth since the beginning of time. I figured it couldn't hurt to try. (or maybe i should say it could hurt to try).
Anyway, a ridiculously painful hour later a resident checked my progress. 8cm. Exciting! My water was only half broken, meaning there was still a membrane intact. Laurin brought me a birthing ball to bounce on. It was the exact same one that I had at home. This made me happy. Sitting on it was torture, but Laurin told me the gravity would help the baby come down. Every contraction, Erik was behind me, rubbing and putting hercules amounts of pressure on my sacrum, which is basically where all of my pain was centralized. The word "pain" does not describe it. "Pain" sounds so gentle, so carefree and easygoing, like breaking a finger or falling upon a spear. Unfortunately, there is no way for me to explain the pain, because as soon as it overtakes you completely it is gone. It's like a panic attack. If you've ever had one you know how bad it is, but when it's over, you forget what it feels like. This labor was like that. The absolute worst, most horrible, bone-bashing, ripping your body in twain pain of my life. Hitting again and again, every 2 minutes for hour upon endless hour. Every contraction Erik rubbing my sacrum, telling me I was awesome.
As I bounced and rolled and rocked on the birthing ball we listened to music. I'm not sure if I'll be able to listen to Moonface, the National, Basia Bulat, or Fleetwood Mac ever the same. But the music helped. I sang. I moaned. I chanted like I learned in pre-natal yoga. OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! UUUUUUUUUUUU! "oh my God, I don't think I can do this, Erik......" and he just kept telling me "You're doing it."
One word about Erik. This guy is incredible. He was there, every second, every contraction and our time together was so special. I never once yelled "YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!" like they do in movies. We just kept saying how much we love each other and how grateful we are for each other.
We had hired a doula, but held off calling her. Erik and I were so completely enjoying the experience of doing this alone, together.
By this time it was probably around 5:30 am and Laurin came back from her 2 hour break ( I really missed her while she was gone) and I told her I was feeling a lot of pressure, my legs were still shaking uncontrollably and she called a Dr. to check me again. Hours had passed and the pain was beyond bearable, but guess what, I was STILL only at 8cm. This made me crazy. What?! NO! I was 8cms 2 hours ago. She told me sometimes that just happens. She said things were going really fast for me and that I could keep laboring the way I was, or she said they could break the rest of my water and that would probably shave an hour off my labor. She also said that breaking my water would make the contractions much more painful. Neither option was particularly enticing. Either I keep laboring like this, for God knows how long, or they break my water and I choose to increase my pain.
"Fine, just break it," I said with extreme sadness.
oh and by the way, laying flat on your back on a bed with your legs spread wide open and someone breaking your water while you are in the middle of a contraction is something I wouldn't wish on even the most evil person in the world. It. is. horrible.
Laurin was no fool when she said the contractions were going to get worse. The whole night up to this point was beautiful and I was so happy and feeling fearless and full of joy at the fact that maybe I was going to be meeting our baby soon, but post-water-breakage was the only time during this whole experience that I felt afraid. I felt afraid because my first contraction after they broke my water my body convulsed beyond anything I could control and I yelled "I'm pushing!" Laurin sternly said "Don't Push!" and I said I couldn't help it, my body was literally taking over and no matter how hard I tried I could not Not push. She told me if I pushed when I wasn't completely dilated that the baby's head would hit my cervix and I would swell. She said this so seriously that it scared me and I began to fear my contractions. About 1 out of every 10 of them I was able to win over my body, but that left 9 out of 10 that I was absurdly out of control. It is very strange to have your body so completely over rule your mind. Even Erik at this point was maybe a little concerned. "Don't Push!" he would say, as I would yell "I'm pushing! I'm pushing!" and then finally around 6:45am I told him he needed to call the Doula immediately. I needed extra help at this point. The sun was coming up and with each contraction I just remember looking out the window and up as high as I could into the brightening sky and saying "God help me, pleaaaase." Erik said my eyes were rolling back into my head and I do believe that is true.
Sesch, the doula, showed up around 7:30am. I whined "Sesch, they keep telling me not to push but I can't help it, my body is pushing anyway, and it hurts so bad Sesch, it hurts so bad" and she looked at me with sympathetic eyes that I knew she reserved for her ladies in labor and said tenderly " I know it hurts, I know."
"I'm pushhiiiiiing!" I said to her on the next contraction after she arrived and she said "It's ok, so just push" and this made me so happy to hear. Not feeling like I had to fight it was such a relief. The 2nd contraction after Sesch arrived was crazy and I said I feel like I needed to poo, and with that she called for the nurse and they checked me again and I was at 10 cm! Fully dilated and ready to for real push this baby out.
Things get super blurry by this point. It went fast. They had me try a "test push" to see if I knew what I was doing. I guess I did well, because with each contraction, the staff was busy preparing things around me for the arrival of the baby. I screamed during the first push and the Dr. told me I needed to not do that, so I kept quiet and pushed for 10 seconds. Then I would push again for 10 more. Pushing was so much easier than trying to get through the earlier contractions but it wasn't glamorous. I pooped. I nearly puked. I could literally feel the blood vessels in my face breaking and popping. At the end of each push I let out the growls of a crazy cave lady. Erik told me that I looked like a monster. With every contraction I could feel our baby getting closer. Erik said he was prepared for her little cone head, but was surprised when it looked like the tip of a pencil with some hair on it coming out. The Dr. asked me if I wanted to feel her head. "NO!" I shouted, thinking let's just do this please! After about 6 contractions and 15 minutes of pushing our baby came out. They put her on my chest. She was quiet and squirming. I looked at her. She looked nothing like I thought she would. I inspected every inch of her and fell so instantly in love with the feeling of her being in our presence. In an instant, life as I knew it was gone and replaced by something so unknowably new.
The next 2 days I slept a total of 1 hour. I devoured hospital meatballs with my hands. Erik literally spoon fed me while I tried to learn how to feed our baby. This was so hard. She was so beautiful and tiny and hungry and I didn't know how to feed her and I was just so tired. She lost 11% of her body weight and I felt helpless. Finally, an angel nurse named Liliane helped us. I learned how to feed Violet pumped breast milk from a cup. She gained enough weight that they let us go home and I was terrified. I've never been more terrified in my life. Nothing prepares you for the moment the baby arrives.
Being pregnant was easy, I realize in retrospect. I'll be honest, I really miss being pregnant. The world loves a pregnant lady and it's nice to feel like the world loves you. I miss my belly more than I thought I would and I already want to be pregnant again. (Don't worry Erik, we'll wait till you're ready too.) But having a baby has changed everything I never knew could be changed. My heart is more wide and full than I ever thought possible. I love her so fiercely I would do anything to protect her. My love for my husband has quadrupled. Even my love for strangers and their children has increased dramatically. I feel a love and a kindness I've never felt, for others and for myself, but especially for my family.
There were moments in the days after having her that I felt like I was on ecstacy. My body quivering with joy and a love so deep it couldn't possibly be natural, but it was! Or at least my hormones led me to believe it was. An hour later I would be crying, bawling, weeping with such deep feelings of insecurity and fear of how to keep this little being safe. This has been the craziest experience of my life and I wouldn't change a second of it.
I didn't know life could be this good. and at the same time it's hard. Sleep deprivation is a real thing and I'm pretty much tired all of the time. It doesn't matter though because when I wake up at 4 in the morning I get to hang out with Violet. A baby that Erik and I made. I feel so lucky and blessed. I know there are so many good times ahead. I know there will be tough times too. I am grateful for it all. Just please Universe, keep our little Violet safe and let her know huge love and massive happiness. Violet, you are the greatest gift. Your Dad and I love you beyond measure. I didn't know that I have been waiting my entire life to meet you and you have made my life ridiculously more awesome.
So that's that. The day Violet was born. The best day of my life. And it keeps getting better. Thank you for letting me share my story with you. I know every mother has their own story and they are all so very special and important. I'm proud to be among the ranks. My respect goes out to every mother out there. I could spend forever listening to women tell their birth stories. and one last thank you needs to go out to someone very special. Dear Mom, Thank You. I never knew.
Wow! That was the most touching story I've ever read! Thanks for sharing! And all the best to you and Erik!
ReplyDeleteTasha, this is incredibly moving! Your writing is beautiful and I laughed out loud several times. Violet is very lucky to have you and Erik as parents, and I'm sure she'll appreciate reading this account later.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Lise